First in a long time
Now i’ve got a man in my life, first for a long time. My emotions this week have been fucked more than usual, part due to ovulation, but why? If this is what love or an approximation of love does to you, it can go fuck itself. Tits. Ass. Nuts.
Run away Run away,
Run from myself
Don’t wanna be on my own,
But other people piss me off
Or they’ll get pissed at me
No good No good
What to do?
Run, Run, far and away
For how long? When will i want to return?
But i will never escape the jaws of…
Myself.
Best not to Best not to
THINK
Smoke don’t drink
Read, paint, run run run
Interact? Let others know your weakness?
Better not from past experience.
Does that mean I’m closed?
Is that bad?
Dulled senses make you happy
I just had an hour of afternoon sleep before going back to work and had the strangest dream sensation. I wearing earplugs so it was a partly true feeling, but in my dream I was partially deaf and my sight was blurred. I was running a shop for some reason and I think my mum and dad may have been there, with my sister Rachel and Bill, who was a caretaker at my old secondary school – a very admired and revered figure in my village who was the caretaker, speaker of greek, and also an amateur photographer (he did my sister’s wedding photos when i was 3. I was the bridesmaid). At school the flirty girls and more outspoken and intelligent students got his attention usually, whereas he never paid me the blindest bit of notice. I wanted it but i never asked for it. Maybe if i had caught his interest I wouldn’t have known what to do with it. I don’t know.
Anyway, i think actually it may have been a care home or something, not a shop because I was helping out this old, forgetful guy and an overweight, younger lady, to get their breakfast i think. It was so weird not being able to fully grasp what the people I was with were trying to communicate with me, but i know I did feel this amazing sense of freedom and I was leaping about, and laughing and singing quite freely, something i never feel able to do in front of people, or only after a very long friendship. I used to be able to but I lost it somewhere along the way. I wonder where and how i can get it back. My friend has only got 30% of hearing in both ears left and only 1 of her eyes is working properly. Now i kinda get how she feels, in a loose way. She says her deafness makes her feel less self-conscious, like she’s in her own little world.
Anyway I’m writing loads more than i planned to. Gotta get to work!
The lighter evenings we’re having recently make me so happy. As do the smell of hyacinths 
Later on…
Ok. Darkness has once again fallen over the land and none of which came before matters anymore. Night time has a calming influence. The day is over and restful sleep awaits. Until soon it starts all over again. But this is a good time so I will embrace it and enjoy. I’m sure I’ve said all this before, but i really do love the night. I like the feel of sunshine on my skin though, it has to be said. I put the negativity earlier on down to awaking very late, in fact just 4 hours before my shift at work, it makes me feel like i’ve wasted time and not achieved anything and that puts me on edge for some reason. Anyway night, to whoever.
feeling better
Ok, i’ve cleaned, done some stuff and meditated and i feel better. I don’t even know who I am talking to here, it’s gotta stop really. This world is pioneering and we have no evidence what effect it is going to have on our psychological states. Meditating was a positive experience. My tape deck on my stereo just bodged up and i was angry at it. But now it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know what matters in life really. This is my main problem. My brain and soul aren’t concerned with any particular outcome anymore. I’ve nothing to prove because nobody seems to turn their heads no matter what i do. I guess it’s the same for all of us. If i died, it would only essentially affect me, others, perhaps for a while, but they’d get over it, which is good. But my perspective is only my own and no one else fully shares it. Ever. They may for a while, then things change and everything starts over again. I guess i’m always seeking acceptance and reassurance from outside things, be it people, drugs, grades. I guess we all do in a way, some of us are aware we are. I think it’s good to be self-reliant, self-assured, and not need anything but your own mind, but i think i do that a lot anyway. So many of my peers have more bolstering, esteem-boosting (there’s is a word and I’m desperately seeking it) other people in their lives, it seems, than i do, and they’re the ones who give me advice?? why should i listen to other people anymore. I know i ask for it, but i won’t anymore. I hate to be ignorant or closed-off, but advice makes me feel small, as if the people giving it are so much saner and with it than i am, when i know they’re not.
I’m too analytical i know. I should just stop thinking and get on with it. I don’t like being negative about myself in front of others anymore. So this is why i want to end this internet malarky. I was happier when it was broken. But i don’t want to cut myself off either. Am I the only one who feels this contradiction? Actually maybe don’t answer that. I seek empathy, yet I also want to be different from others.
Goodbye, if I follow this through
I wonder if i’ll lose this babbling somewhere in the process as always seems to happen on this cruddy ‘write a post’ page for some messed up reason. I’m angry. I’m up late and I’m devoid of friends and excitement, that’s what It feels like at this time. I don’t need your advice, I can deal with my emotions. I could say so many things now, feelings of hatred and grievances that feel so real, but later, when I’m in a happier mood, I regret writing, and I know people who read this, so really I’m not going to say anything I really think right now for fear of regretting it. In short I feel rather friendless, pointless and livid and I don’t think i need my friends because they bring more emotional baggage and changing opinions than it’s worth. but I can’t really say that cos my friends might leave me, not that it would make much difference. But also I don’t like doing this because i don’t want people to know my weaknesses and what I’m feeling inside, so i should just shut it. I want to delete this profile as well as facebook, because it brings me more sadness than happiness. PURGE MY LIFE OF THIS VIRTUAL EXISTENCE
Broken sleep in the afternoon caused this
I started writing from the me and inadvertantly deleted it all, in a freak slight of keyboard action. Was it meant to be/ i think it was/ I write when I’m uptight, time passes, i feel better and i regret writing it/ I like to write but i like to write then run away from it and only look back when the time and the feeling is long gone. only then can it be pleasurable. i can never be too sure of what i’m saying, i am often extreme and sweeping if i don’t check myself. I’m bored of my microscopic analytical delving now. Why do blokes and women go for the same ones all the time/ I’m so bored of it. I fancy so and so. Oh what a suprise! I have asked myself, is it pure jealousy, and no i don’t think it is. I guess history repeating itself again and again with the same types is doing my head in and I’m waiting for the record to change and for someone I desire to want me in the way i want them to. I’m beginning to believe I have a mixed up soul that thinks it wants something then rejects it as soon as it arrives. But, no, i can’t remember a single time it has happened so I guess i haven’t had the break.
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream
The feeling of being grabbed around the shoulders by a tall, muscular man.
Kissing, biting each other on the lips, boiling over with passion.
Being pushed down to the ground, followed by his weight pressing on my body, his leg wedged in the middle of my two legs.
I’ve got to keep him by my side or he’ll walk out and never look back. But it felt right, so assured before. He saw my parents, was smiling with them. He rescued all of us in the end. Sorted the politics side, tied up loose ends. Gave us a strong arm that pulled us from the agonizing, almost vertical, final leg of our journey. That hill. But now we’ve arrived, the kids are all safe and sound. My family are here for my dad’s birthday. People are discussing the journey in awe and shock.
We went to his house, well i think it was a studio apartment, on the way. It was pure class. He had a cinema-sized Telly looming in front us as we entered the lounge slash living area and a grand piano sat in front of the screen, not high enough to obscure the TV, on a black stage. The three of us plonked ourselves on the huge, lush, rich-red coloured sofas facing the piano and the screen and I was told about the vibrating facility in the seat of the settee. I couldn’t locate it at first and just went along with the oohs and aahs of my companions. Then the young male, I couldn’t name his face, showed me I could get it to work if I sat on the gap between the cushions, which I did, and I felt good vibrations.
I also remember being on the tube, at an amusement park and disagreeing with my nephew. But the end bit was the most satisfying but also the most heartbreaking.
This is the stuff of my dreams. I don’t seem to be able to make it in real life, not often recently anyway. I have experienced the feeling in the past or I wouldn’t long for it and remember it the way I do.
I’m reading ‘The Worry Cure’ at the moment, and i fit almost every criterion of a worrier. There’s more to it than just simple worry or anxiousness. I need to be certain of everything. But certaintly is an impossibility in this life. I’m, in short, a control freak, but in controlling my life i leave no room for excitement, random events, lifechanging experiences. But we have to be responsible, reliable, thoughtful, to get on, to get and keep a job, keep friends. Balance, balance, balance, is what it’s all about, but if you think to hard about balancing things up your thoughts are turned to thinking and worry again.
I must change my ways and achieve my desires.
But perhaps the journey to what you desire is the most exciting part of all.
A bit of sex would go down well though.
What is MY reality? How is my WORLD?
Things have never got back to as simple as they were before i went to Uni. I used to be, yeah, perhaps a bit mainstream, a bit blinded, pressured to conform, not stand out. I’ve lost all those shackles now and i’m free to be me, have the confidence to defend my beliefs and my actions. But i’m lost. And i’m fearful often that my priorities are different to the people i live and work around so I worry and occasionally do get told off for not working, not being responsible and helpful enough, they’re all mothers, fathers, successful in their jobs and their grip on reality is located on a different part in varying strengths of grip.
Mine is gripped but there doesn’t seem to be anybody near me. My friends, from uni, academics, the people i guess are my new circle, are over there, things are more alien than anything there but i’ve gone through a process where i’ve learned, adapted, not that it all sits comfortably, it didn’t at all at first.
Over the other side are my family, the people from my home town, whose embrace i am held by now but i’ve moved on mentally. They don’t see that cos i have a job that does not use these powers, i’m wearing the disguise of my former self. But i’m angry and annoyed cos i’m not that person now. i’m no longer comforted by the perception of reality i had then.
There are good and bad points to both lives, and i think they mostly balance each other out. But now i am alone and no one is of the same species as me no matter how much i hold my hands out. They keep getting bitten if i’m honest and i keep having to snatch them in so i’m not hurt or taken advantage of. I’m a bit solitary but i’m still in control of my head and my instincts are sharp. i need to be needed. That’s what i’ve grown up to be, like the rest of my litter, but they can use their skills. Mine were rebuffed and unrequired in the new life. Now i have to summon them again so i can get on with my life.
You don’t need to be able to comprehend this. I can’t help but second guess your reactions which makes it hard for me to finish. so i won’t. just don’t tell me i’m wrong or i don’t think this way cus i feel that’s you being master or commander of MY mind which your not, no matter how insightful you believe yourself to be. I think i know what i have to do but Rome wasn’t built in a day. As time makes me older the words i say, the sounds i make may change but there’s a chip inside me that is unchangeable which is surrounded with layers and layers of onion skin that are me but i guess they can go brown and floppy with old age and death. But i try to keep as many of them as i can in their original state which is white and firm, that bit is me, y’see.
My current (buns)
Where did my life go?
Where is it going?
I’ve hit a bump in the road but it hasn’t rocked me
I’m just stuck
Inspiration has done a runner on all fronts
People I encounter aren’t admirable or awesome
Places are missing the life, the zing, the adventure they had
I don’t know where I’m heading so there’s no route to follow
Just day after isolated day
Earning money for things I don’t really want
Enough to be comfortable
So the boredom can perpetuate itself
Summer has passed us by in 2007
Forgotten
Beaching it up & warm, bronzed, sweet-smelling skin a missed memory
Why no sun?
I’m still chasing the past
Believing it’s hidden within his shell
But in moments of clarity I see that the feeling has evolved
To be reinvented as something new.
a pain in the brain
My personality sucks. I’m a helpful, eager to please person who carries a lot of guilt when i feel i’ve hurt someone, no matter how minorly, but i’m also quite selfish and self-centred when it comes down to it. These two traits clash and end up makng me feel quite bitter in the end because i do things for people i guess ultimately to be loved and needed, but some of my acquaintances i do things for don’t give that to me so i wonder why i’ve bothered but then if i tell them my problem with that i feel guilty for lumbering them with my personality dysfunction.
