Let me take you down…
Why am i the way that i am? Why do i feel like i’d rather be dead than alive? It sounds so selfish because i have a home, a loving family, food, water. I don’t witness or feel suffering hardly ever. If i don’t appreciate what i have then surely i’m not worthy. Give my privileged life to someone else. I hate living just for myself. Day in day out i have only myself to think about and i hate it. Too much time to myself. But i also hate work.
I had a break (and a cry) and now i remember that it’s PMS and not something unusual or concretely an issue. Every month i have this, sometimes twice or more, and it is shit. I seriously consider suicide everytime but know i couldn’t do it for my family’s sake. Also because i know deep down it is only a fleeting emotion – a couple of days, which makes it feel even more pointless. I feel bitter, jealous, guilty and sorry for myself and want to tell people exactly what i think of them. I like to smack myself just to get it out somehow, but it’s like a balloon full of air when someone’s squeezing the neck so it only comes out in squeaky squeals – not nearly enough to deflate and relax it.
I’m calmer now. It’ll still be an effort to be friendly towards my family at Sunday lunch but hopefully they’ll understand on some level. I’ll have a rollie on the drive over to calm my spirits. Ok, rant over. It’s even worse that it’s PMT. Not many people take it seriously (especially men, and even myself most of the time). FUCK EVERYTHING.
I went on a long, rambling walk today through the fields and woods of my home village in Sussex, armed with only an OS map, a compass and a bottle of water to wet my whistle, and I had a brilliantly bracing time. I got lost a few times, keeping my eyes peeled for the next bright yellow footpath marker to show me the way.
It was wet in places andI got chased by a barking greyhound who I met in a field. He had no evident owner and it got a bit hairy but i made it back alive! I also saw a whole family of deer – about 20 of them in all with two stags! Me and my friend often see them when we tresspass in our favourite fantasy wood (nicknamed Narnia!). I must go back to the same place i saw them today with a camera.
The photo above is of one of the dodgy footbridges i crossed. This one wasn’t too dodgy thankfully. I can’t take credit for the image – i found it on the internet when i returned home. I went for a wee in the bushes near this place. Very liberating 
There’s nothing much i enjoy more than rambling. It clears the head, refreshes the soul, and provides perspective of the immediate world surrounding us. It is also free of charge, environmentally friendly and isn’t detrimental to any other beings, physically nor emotionally (except the tens of thousands of insect life i probably crush 
I find walking especially thereputic when i’m feeling stressed, frustrated or angry (see my other blogs!)
Dreaming – Satisfy my soul.
I hate waking up.
My own unconscious likes to taunt and tease me by providing me with exciting films during my sleeping hours that figuratively make my dreams come true. Tho the coming true bit never actually happens.
Therefore when i wake up i’m greeted by an anti-climax and feelings of disappointment and loss – not the best way to start a day. I then remember that i’m 22, still live with my parents, see no changes coming to that in the near future and my face droops as does my heart, my mind, my soul.
It’s not that bad, i know, I’m not complaining as such. I just long for a little (or perhaps a great deal) of excitement. My adult like isn’t as i’d envisaged it. Or maybe it is but i’m too used to it now to realise. I know i’ve achieved some of the things i wanted to but your perception of situation changes when you’re actually in it.
I think what it basically boils down to is sex. Not all of us get enough and that includes me! Every night pretty much i dream about it. I want to try so many things before i’m old and decrepit. You can’t give it away these days! There are many barriers, emotions and struggles of power to get over first. Drunkeness is the easiest lubricant.
I’m so bored! There are riveting moments in my life but they’re too sporadic to make me content it seems. I don’t think i’d be so involved with certain TV shows if my life was full.
But i’m speaking from the now - 10.30 am on a cold January Tuesday morn. During busy periods of work, sleep and play life is full and then there is no time to reflect. I might get so bored soon i’ll burst into a fire of passion and idleness.
Does anyone else feel as though their life is massively unexciting, either compared to their peers, their dreams or their expectations?
It’s down to me at the end of the day, i know. I like to indulge in some self-pity. Maybe I believe the Gods will smile down on me and grant my wishes if i complain enough. Tut, it’s no good! Friends and family are always telling me “Join some groups. Go and meet some people” but organised groups, bah, there’s something so contrived about that. I guess i’m too much of a romantic soul and secretly reckon I’ll meet people i like and trees of fun on my random walks through the fields.
If only i could just spew on the page and let the words arrange themselves into exactly what I mean.. .
Blog no. 1 – on being green and the point.
Well hello. I’ve had a rubbish day today so far. Not in the grand scale of things was it rubbish. No one died, no one’s ill. I pressed my snooze button for over an hour before getting up at half eleven just cos i didn’t have a reason in particular to get up. Then once up i still didn’t see any reason to be up, ’though my gorgeous 8 month old nephew was about so he brought me some happiness. Then i cooked a curry that made me feel sick which was disappointing. And investigated a leak in our bathroom which remains unsolved. Also had a discussion with my dad about life and what’s the point cos it’s all so disappointing and ended up feeling misunderstood and annoying.
I’m not sure i even want to be writing this because it’s not very inspiring or enlightening, but i suppose this is meant to be a form of diary keeping so i won’t go back and delete any. I’ll just continue expressing myself in this fashion no matter how boring it is. I will feel better in about an hour after i’ve been for a walk through the woods in the English wind and spittle rain. My thoughts will be clearer and more sensical once my brain’s been aired. Basically I’m bored. I should be at work or something. I would be if it wasn’t my day off.
The green bit in the title is me deciding whether or not to join the green party. I want to but you have to pay. Why is that? Administative charges or summit?
Off to brave the English weather…
