blah blah blah
Long time no writage..! i’ve been trying to copy down on the computer a load of stuff (feelings etc) i wrote originally on paper (in a flow kind of way with lots of different coloured pencils) but it doesn’t feel right (write), more like a chore, an essay, than i wanted it to feel. So now i schpeel from the top of my head.
I always find it so difficult to write. i can’t seem to organise my thoughts properly to express them. It’s very frustrating. I always feel like giving up as soon as i start. Like now. I want to get up and do something active. This also happens when i read. I do love reading but it’s a before-bed activity for me. I’ve got ants in me pants!
I can’t think of the words. And when i talk i feel like i’m rambling and boring people cos i’m not succinct enough. Being understood is very important to me and to be interpreted as i’d like to be, so things aren’t said of me that i don’t feel are true. I don’t know why i bother. I’m such a control freak. That’s why i have casual sex and no relationships i’m sure. kissing and sucking and touching and rubbing is sensual and physical and is all the passion and feeling without the chat. but then it’s over too soon.
i’m feeling all stressed up inside myself from writing this. I guess i want someone but i don’t want it the way other people get it. ‘a boyfriend’, so earned and official. i can’t seem to get there and i never have and i think that’s just down to me being who i am. And a lot of the time i don’t mind it, cos it’s what i go after and it’s what i get. but why is it different for everybody else i know? I’m not emotionally repressed or an unloving person – far from it i think – but i think it’s half the problem.
oh i dunno where to go now. to get stoned. it stops the confusion cos it stops the thinking. I’m not unhappy. this is the thing about airing your feelings – people reading it will think you’ve got a problem cos that’s why you’ve written but i’m mostly ok. I think about living too much and don’t just live. but i am who i am. i’m popeye the sailor man.
