Blasts from the past & presenting yourself
..this new virtual, internet-based social existence we have nowadays perplexes and worries me sometimes. I find it weird how we’re expected to present ourselves on websites such as myspace and facebook through our interests, favourite films etc. Well, in fact it isn’t the method that bothers me as such, it’s just, how is a person, random or friend, supposed to get an honest picture of you when your representing yourself? I mean, you could say you were into anything and endeavor to make yourself sound as interesting and attractive as you wanted and no one could disprove it and you could actually be a right moron. Oh, i don’t know… i just think it’s rather fake and too open to interpretation. i’m finding it tres difficile to explain my unease. I guess, being a pretty honest and non egotisitcal individual i wouldn’t big myself up to sound amazing and therefore might not be held in such high esteem by readers of my profile when i actually deserved to be. I think i rely on people to see the least obvious traits of my personality, because they’re are the ones most important to me/the best ones. But then i don’t think other people are generally as deep or offbeat in thinking as i presume they are.. I might be wrong. I think it all comes down to wondering if i do have a soulmate out there.. or maybe i’ve already found her and am at the peak and have nothing much else to aim for. Are we all always searching? Is it the search that keeps us going? Do i feel like Carrie Bradshaw from ‘Sex and the city’ while i’m writing this? The answer is YES 
The reason this whole issue is prevalent in my mind is because last weekend i saw a couple of lads from school i hadn’t seen for years in a local pub. Anyway, despite imagining that the old school prejudices/embarassments (i’m trying to think of a particular word here, but can’t call it to mind) would remain, i was pleasantly suprised to find that they’d grown up and were polite and friendly and interested. (one of these lads, incidently, was my all-time high school crush and i nearly died of a fear/embarrassment attack when he entered the pub (i relaxed quite considerably later on). I also had a few sexual encounters with him but he never regarded me that highly, although i don’t think he hated me cos i’m not a biatch. Actually he was rather in love with one of my best friends (and she him secretly) but they never progressed further than them being flirting friends)
ANYWAY, I’m his myspace friend now and from what he says about himself he’s, y’know, spiritual and mature and all. One of his girl friends has written lots of comments on his page so i looked at her profile to see what she was about and she’s just soooo pathetic and girly! (e.g her mum and dad are her heroes, she luuurves men and bedroom things, oh god and she’s seems just completely girly and pink and fluffy and illiterate) I guess it wouldn’t annoy me so much, it’s just that before uni i think i was a bit more like that, i wouldn’t be embarrassed about saying i loved my family or being flirtatious and man/relationship-driven. But throughout uni i had to change and grow to fit in with my new group of friends who were more feminist-oriented and respectful of intelligence and strength and other things i don’t have words for. So i think i still feel that girly deep down. The things i desire, such as a home and a family and a husband, are all still there but they’re disguised behind this new me who is more cynical and harder to penetrate and get close to. Well that’s what it feels like anyway. I’m sure most of my friends from before uni would say i’m the same as i ever was. When i think about it, the new, developed me is more like a defence shield. I don’t feel as if i can be hurt by somebody else half as easily as i used to, which is empowering and makes me feel very secure and independent. But with this independence and self-sufficiency comes a certain amount of lonliness and a craving for emotional excitment, which i’m not sure if i could handle or not.
When i think this deeply everything in my world seems topsy turvey and complicated, then i know it’s time to think shallower again, otherwise depression and dissatisfaction will inevitably spread. I should write a conclusion to my thoughts really and i would like to but my brain is tired like it would be at the end of a school-hall-style exam and my eyes are dry and tired. I think i will lie down and read my bedtime book and have 40 winks.
Oh Mother…
There is such a space between us
now
I long to be friendly to you and cuddle up and watch eastenders
but i feel i no longer can.
I wish i loved you like i did when i was a child
now i feel like i don’t know you at all
I wonder if you feel the same about me but i don’t think you do
cos you don’t look as confused and saddened as i feel
And i think that is because you don’t care
But i know it isnt
You just don’t know how to talk to me
How to take me
Cos I might explode (a bit) at you
Or i could be in a good mood and actually welcome a hug
And i feel so harsh to you most the time
And you don’t seem to notice
And i feel worse and worse
Is it because i don’t respect you much?
or don’t understand you cos you don’t respect yourself or ever have damaged pride?
I think you are still human under that
but the mother suit is thick skinned.
You try to say something jokey, lighthearted
but i take it seriously and merely grimace
I’m not like this with anyone else
You’re just so nice that i can’t be anything but horrible to you
Do you forgive me?
The cats receive my love more often than you
But i want you to know that i love you more
but fear that you would melt with joy if i displayed it
So i don’t.
I hope my coolness doesn’t hurt you or make you wonder why
Though i’m certain you’re used to it by now after all your years and all your kids.
Wouldn’t it be interesting…
…if there was a website where you could put up a photograph of yourself and other people could put one up of themselves if they thought they looked significantly similar to you. Like a lookalike site for normal people. I’d like that. It would be funny. Although i don’t exactly know how it would work… ideas are flooding my thinking senses. Wouldn’t that be interesting? Do you know what i mean?
Grey March morn
G’day, i just awoke and we’re having contrasting weather to yesterday’s bright, warming offerings. How uninspiring this weather is. It’s put me on a low. I have a day off today which means i have full-power and reign over what i do.. Sussex is my oyster.. but my mum wants me to drive her to the shops later so we can buy some cat food so that limits my time somewhat, but i know, i think i’ll visit Lewes library (they sent me a free voucher for a DVD/CD rental because i hadn’t used my card for a while – brilliant! – definitely an encouragement!)
So.. what to do with the rest of my life? I’ve been feeling like i’d be happy to move out of home again the last couple of weeks. Living back with the mum and dad has many advantages, and I’m not knocking them at all, but there’s a pull, some pressure (perhaps from society) coming from within me to want to get the hell outta here and control my own life elsewhere. But where to start?
Even though i’ve got a couple of part time jobs, the money still isn’t amazing so i’d have to live on a shoestring (again!) so i can pay rent and council tax. I don’t wanna become one of these 20something try-hards who think that it will all balance out in the end cos it prolly won’t (there are always temptations for money-spending and i reckon there are more people in serious debt out there than we imagine) and it’d take a hell of a lot of grafting, which i, to be honest, can’t be bothered with. Don’t get me wrong, i like to work, but i’ll never let my work become my life, social and personal time to chill and to grow is way more important.
Then, where to live and who with? My best mate has got a cushy situation at home with her parents and shows no desire to move soon (for which i don’t entirely blame her-i don’t think we’ve ever had it soo good!) I’m not sure if i’d want to live in the city again, so either a town or village would be goood. Oh gawd, i dunno. i feel like i actually want to make a 100 mile shift completely to the left and go and live in a yurt and live off the land, but i’m not sure if this is a fantasy or a possible reality.
It doesn’t help that i don’t want to do any of this alone. I’m not frightened of being alone (like some people might think cos of confidence issues or whatever) i would just see it as a quite sad and lonely, when i’ve spent years nurturing friendships, to do it alone. I guess i am quite untrusting/wary of strangers and it takes me a while to settle in with someone. And i think it’d be simply more fun to do it with someone else. i don’t know what ‘it’ is but it’s something in the future. I’m happy to be alone. In fact i do feel quite isolated in everyday life. I drive solo most of the time, for work and pleasure trips, i work nights alone much of the time and at home it’s mostly just the ‘olds’ who are ok, but slow and out of touch. I get fed up with being by myself anyway cos i’m such boring company. I know exactly what i’m going to say next!
Anyway, i wish i had a dice i could roll with life decisions on it, then i wouldn’t have to make choices and take action myself. I’m happy to make choices for others i think but not myself. I don’t like living this single, twenty something’s life – all the decisions are selfish ones and i don’t want to be responsible for that! First task is to get my bank balance up to zero anyway. Then go to Scotland with best mate at the end of April – they say a rest’s as good as a change (and so will be the sexy accents of the rugged men up there!). Then will come the festivals of summertime and then the money will be gone again!!
I’m feeling my energy levels rising now, but i need some brekkie to sustain them. maybe a full English?? A hot egg perhaps? Then a shower, then to Lewes. Oh, the excitement…!
Taken from ‘Each Day a New Beginning – Daily Meditations for Women’
“It is healthier to see the good points of others than to analyse our own bad ones” – Francoise Sagan
Looking for the good in others is good for one’s soul.
Comparisons we make of ourselves with others, focusing on how we fail to measure up (another woman is thinner, prettier, more intelligent, has a better sense of humour, attracts people, and on and on) is a common experience.
And we come away from the comparison feeling generally inadequate and unloving towards the other woman.
It is a spiritual truth that our love for and praise of others will improve our own self-image. It will rub off on us, so to speak.
Praise softens. Criticism hardens.
We can draw the love of others to us as we more willingly offer love and praise.”
I need to remember this. This blog will act as a reminder. Whoever wrote this book can explain it much better than i ever could (but never say never..) .
My only criticism is that if you’re a person who’s really nice about everyone all the time, you are, it seems (to me) a bit flaky. But then i guess you don’t have to be self-depricating, weak and sickly sweet to give praise to others, or to even think positively about someone. I feel like i’m naturally bitter and judgemental sometimes.. but it’s to justify my own reality/personality. Bitter-sweet symphony…
