a pain in the brain
My personality sucks. I’m a helpful, eager to please person who carries a lot of guilt when i feel i’ve hurt someone, no matter how minorly, but i’m also quite selfish and self-centred when it comes down to it. These two traits clash and end up makng me feel quite bitter in the end because i do things for people i guess ultimately to be loved and needed, but some of my acquaintances i do things for don’t give that to me so i wonder why i’ve bothered but then if i tell them my problem with that i feel guilty for lumbering them with my personality dysfunction.
Inmates of WordPress
I often have most of my most profound (and not so profound!) thoughts whilst i’m driving or walking or when i’m busy in general and, annoyingly, am unable to record or note them down. Here are a few thoughts that remain ambling and bumping into each other in my vacuous mind which i’m going to spew out before they are lost forever…
(thoughts thought whilst walking through quiet woodland at sunset)
Imagining the path disappearing behind me as i walk, leaving me no way to get back home
Secret fields of green grass hidden away from the hubbub of normal life
Spider webs crisscross the path ahead of me, the sun’s rays revealing their presence making them look like single threads of auburn hair.
Also, we never know what a person is like when they’re on their own because there’s no one to observe. Obvious probably, but not to me.
And my dad’s rubbish and letting arguements fizzle out and chill, unlke the women in our family. What shite we have to put up with!
Well, not many thoughts there, the information made a bolt for it as soon as i put in a request, but I managed to capture and hold hostage a couple of prisoners.
A concern for the 20 something (for some reason)
Why do i feel so empty and missing something,
When i’ve got so much, much to be grateful for?
Still it’s not enough.
Is it ever enough?
Is this it?
As good as it gets?
Is it worth the constant shuffle - in search of
What?
Possession? Love? Belonging?
I look at other people and envy what they’ve got
Wonder why i haven’t
How i’m different, what i do wrong.
They’ve got a relationship i’ve never achieved.
Is it because i don’t want it,
Don’t require it
Don’t need it
Have enough already?
But i want it.
I feel worthless compared to my friends who have it.
Directionless
And pointless.
In theory.
Not all the time. There are other things to measure worth.
I’m good, helpful, passionate, concerned, but that one special person doesn’t see it.
I don’t know who that person is,
Maybe they’re already here and i won’t notice
Until i see the grass isn’t greener.
I wish i could be content with what i’ve got.
I’m happy but i’m always searching for more.
But that might be what keeps me alive.
It’s disheartening and makes me bitterer by the day.
It concerns me more at the beginning of a morning,
Probably because i have a chance to make a change.
Friends have advice, reasoning, explainations,
There isn’t one answer but many,
I don’t know what my answer is.
I take my decisions from the advice of others,
Too much perhaps.
I’m a sponge.
But not a weak push-over sponge.
By the end of the day i no longer care,
I relax, it’s been a write off day, but a good one,
I’ve had fun, i’ve grown tired and dreams welcome me back to bed.
Obligations here, jobs to do there, “drive me home please”,
All day all day every day,
i suppose that’s life
I’m needing something that’s mine though,
To bring pleasure and purpose.
A building, a person, a place,
I’m not sure.
A sign or a path to show me which way,
But no such luck.
So it seems it’s all down to me.
Damn.
How come life appears to happen to others and i have to make life work for me?
People will tell me that’s not true.
But then that means i’m wrong, not right,
Me
A bad egg,
Worse
An unattractive egg,
For pounding purposes only.
Don’t think i think little of myself.
I’ve been told that by older, wiser people all my life
And it makes it worse, perpetuates the feeling,
It’s bollocks.
I like me,
It’s other people that aren’t that amazed.
It could be argued that i shouldn’t need all this acceptance,
Desire from other people,
Blame my programming.
I need to…
…do something worthwhile, even if it’s boring, like my timesheets for work, because it’s no good sitting on the internet waiting for someone to chat to you, or looking for something interesting because the internet is NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR REAL LIFE. And neither is weed, but i’ll tackle that one another day…
Where did all the good times go?
things seem quiet at the moment. The internet’s quiet, friends are quiet, life’s quiet, well not quiet quiet, i mean i’ve been on holiday and have seen family and friends but i still feel lonely. I’m not desperately lonely - not much to complain about. Lots of beings seemed to die last week, my hamster being one of them. It’s strange not to hear him nibbling at the end of my bed in the secret hours of the morning. Work seems to define my waking hours at the moment. I work, then i spend time doing what i like and choose to do, then i eat, then i sleep, then i work again. I don’t know who or where some of my friends are at the moment. And i don’t where i’m heading next. There are no plans or needs to move home anytime soon for me. And i feel i’d better stick at this job for at least a year, even though i’d like to train to be a teacher. I haven’t seen anyone at all today. I woke up late and everyone was out, i don’t know where and i haven’t bothered to find out. I’m stagnant. Or something is. There’s a lack of love in Brighton at the moment. I’m rotting here, but it’s not right there. I’m not having a pop at anyone, just expressing my unease. I don’t know where to go to feel easy, happy and to get some sex.
