What is MY reality? How is my WORLD?
Things have never got back to as simple as they were before i went to Uni. I used to be, yeah, perhaps a bit mainstream, a bit blinded, pressured to conform, not stand out. I’ve lost all those shackles now and i’m free to be me, have the confidence to defend my beliefs and my actions. But i’m lost. And i’m fearful often that my priorities are different to the people i live and work around so I worry and occasionally do get told off for not working, not being responsible and helpful enough, they’re all mothers, fathers, successful in their jobs and their grip on reality is located on a different part in varying strengths of grip.
Mine is gripped but there doesn’t seem to be anybody near me. My friends, from uni, academics, the people i guess are my new circle, are over there, things are more alien than anything there but i’ve gone through a process where i’ve learned, adapted, not that it all sits comfortably, it didn’t at all at first.
Over the other side are my family, the people from my home town, whose embrace i am held by now but i’ve moved on mentally. They don’t see that cos i have a job that does not use these powers, i’m wearing the disguise of my former self. But i’m angry and annoyed cos i’m not that person now. i’m no longer comforted by the perception of reality i had then.
There are good and bad points to both lives, and i think they mostly balance each other out. But now i am alone and no one is of the same species as me no matter how much i hold my hands out. They keep getting bitten if i’m honest and i keep having to snatch them in so i’m not hurt or taken advantage of. I’m a bit solitary but i’m still in control of my head and my instincts are sharp. i need to be needed. That’s what i’ve grown up to be, like the rest of my litter, but they can use their skills. Mine were rebuffed and unrequired in the new life. Now i have to summon them again so i can get on with my life.
You don’t need to be able to comprehend this. I can’t help but second guess your reactions which makes it hard for me to finish. so i won’t. just don’t tell me i’m wrong or i don’t think this way cus i feel that’s you being master or commander of MY mind which your not, no matter how insightful you believe yourself to be. I think i know what i have to do but Rome wasn’t built in a day. As time makes me older the words i say, the sounds i make may change but there’s a chip inside me that is unchangeable which is surrounded with layers and layers of onion skin that are me but i guess they can go brown and floppy with old age and death. But i try to keep as many of them as i can in their original state which is white and firm, that bit is me, y’see.
