feeling better
Ok, i’ve cleaned, done some stuff and meditated and i feel better. I don’t even know who I am talking to here, it’s gotta stop really. This world is pioneering and we have no evidence what effect it is going to have on our psychological states. Meditating was a positive experience. My tape deck on my stereo just bodged up and i was angry at it. But now it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know what matters in life really. This is my main problem. My brain and soul aren’t concerned with any particular outcome anymore. I’ve nothing to prove because nobody seems to turn their heads no matter what i do. I guess it’s the same for all of us. If i died, it would only essentially affect me, others, perhaps for a while, but they’d get over it, which is good. But my perspective is only my own and no one else fully shares it. Ever. They may for a while, then things change and everything starts over again. I guess i’m always seeking acceptance and reassurance from outside things, be it people, drugs, grades. I guess we all do in a way, some of us are aware we are. I think it’s good to be self-reliant, self-assured, and not need anything but your own mind, but i think i do that a lot anyway. So many of my peers have more bolstering, esteem-boosting (there’s is a word and I’m desperately seeking it) other people in their lives, it seems, than i do, and they’re the ones who give me advice?? why should i listen to other people anymore. I know i ask for it, but i won’t anymore. I hate to be ignorant or closed-off, but advice makes me feel small, as if the people giving it are so much saner and with it than i am, when i know they’re not.
I’m too analytical i know. I should just stop thinking and get on with it. I don’t like being negative about myself in front of others anymore. So this is why i want to end this internet malarky. I was happier when it was broken. But i don’t want to cut myself off either. Am I the only one who feels this contradiction? Actually maybe don’t answer that. I seek empathy, yet I also want to be different from others.
