Goodbye, if I follow this through
I wonder if i’ll lose this babbling somewhere in the process as always seems to happen on this cruddy ‘write a post’ page for some messed up reason. I’m angry. I’m up late and I’m devoid of friends and excitement, that’s what It feels like at this time. I don’t need your advice, I can deal with my emotions. I could say so many things now, feelings of hatred and grievances that feel so real, but later, when I’m in a happier mood, I regret writing, and I know people who read this, so really I’m not going to say anything I really think right now for fear of regretting it. In short I feel rather friendless, pointless and livid and I don’t think i need my friends because they bring more emotional baggage and changing opinions than it’s worth. but I can’t really say that cos my friends might leave me, not that it would make much difference. But also I don’t like doing this because i don’t want people to know my weaknesses and what I’m feeling inside, so i should just shut it. I want to delete this profile as well as facebook, because it brings me more sadness than happiness. PURGE MY LIFE OF THIS VIRTUAL EXISTENCE
Let me take you down…
Why am i the way that i am? Why do i feel like i’d rather be dead than alive? It sounds so selfish because i have a home, a loving family, food, water. I don’t witness or feel suffering hardly ever. If i don’t appreciate what i have then surely i’m not worthy. Give my privileged life to someone else. I hate living just for myself. Day in day out i have only myself to think about and i hate it. Too much time to myself. But i also hate work.
I had a break (and a cry) and now i remember that it’s PMS and not something unusual or concretely an issue. Every month i have this, sometimes twice or more, and it is shit. I seriously consider suicide everytime but know i couldn’t do it for my family’s sake. Also because i know deep down it is only a fleeting emotion – a couple of days, which makes it feel even more pointless. I feel bitter, jealous, guilty and sorry for myself and want to tell people exactly what i think of them. I like to smack myself just to get it out somehow, but it’s like a balloon full of air when someone’s squeezing the neck so it only comes out in squeaky squeals – not nearly enough to deflate and relax it.
I’m calmer now. It’ll still be an effort to be friendly towards my family at Sunday lunch but hopefully they’ll understand on some level. I’ll have a rollie on the drive over to calm my spirits. Ok, rant over. It’s even worse that it’s PMT. Not many people take it seriously (especially men, and even myself most of the time). FUCK EVERYTHING.
