My current (buns)
Where did my life go?
Where is it going?
I’ve hit a bump in the road but it hasn’t rocked me
I’m just stuck
Inspiration has done a runner on all fronts
People I encounter aren’t admirable or awesome
Places are missing the life, the zing, the adventure they had
I don’t know where I’m heading so there’s no route to follow
Just day after isolated day
Earning money for things I don’t really want
Enough to be comfortable
So the boredom can perpetuate itself
Summer has passed us by in 2007
Forgotten
Beaching it up & warm, bronzed, sweet-smelling skin a missed memory
Why no sun?
I’m still chasing the past
Believing it’s hidden within his shell
But in moments of clarity I see that the feeling has evolved
To be reinvented as something new.
Stop your moaning, woman!
Does all this technology we have these days improve our lives or just make it more problematic? When a computer, TV, car or any appliance fecks up there’s no one to pass the blame to but ourselves and our stupidity to rely on such unreliable, irresponsible, souless pieces of equipment. For instance, i was just pouring my heart out writing a blog, and the page decides it wants to close down, so it’s gone. Now usually this site saves my drafts as i go, but this one time i needed it to, it didn’t. Now i feel hurt, frustrated like it was a waste of time. It might have provided a cathartic purpose, but still, I don’t think it’s very good for my health and mental well being, being mucked about like this, but perhaps i shouldn’t be so sensitive and easily disgruntled. But my sensitivity makes up a lot of my good qualities too. Admittedly, being morning, i’m going to be more irritable than at other times of the day. Life is one long slog to avoid being depressed again.. it seems sometimes. I feel like such a contradiction in myself all the time. On the one hand i’m a caring, peace-loving, conflict-avoiding, open-minded, relaxed person and on the other i am a hysterical, bitter, screaming and kicking whinge bag. But i think i know a lot of people who have felt like they’re a dichotomy. I guess it’s just life that causes these personality splits though, like one minute you’re up, the next you’re down. I just feel like i’m constantly striving to be this good person, and feel guilty when i feel low or even a bit indifferent. And i get bitter when i meet people who do nothing to strive to be a better person. Y’know, people who don’t make an effort with their friends/family, who do nothing to help the world or other people, who don’t put themselves out on a limb – selfish people. And i get bitter because it seems these people who put no effort in get the same, if not more, out of life than i do. The reason i’m in this mood this morning is partly because of my prattish little brother. I got woken up at 11 by him saying my parents are going to be back soon (they’ve been away for a few days, leaving us witht he empty house). ok, quite late to be in bed, but i made the most out the last free night and have to work this evening so i thought i deserved it. so i got up, straight downstairs and began vacuuming the lounge and kitchen. during that time my bro just sat playing snake on his phone rather than help start the pile of washing up (because it wasn’t his mess). Well excuuuuse, me master! i’ve done the washing all week, washed up 3 times , including your stuff, made up and kept the fire alight all week. Why are some people soooo unhelpful and un-conscientious? I’d happily help anyone anytime. I mean a bit of physical activity doesn’t hurt and i’m very generous with my time. But others are so lazy and un self-sacrificing. Why the FECK should i be if i never get any of it back? I know i shouldn’t do things for people just because i expect something back, but it does get bloody disheartening. Of course, my example has the age-old sibling arguement/rivalry thing going on, but it applies to other relationships too. What is it in my personality that makes me so discontented? In fact i think it’s my situation that makes me the way i am. From the small things like still living at home and not being sure if i’ll be any happier living away, to the bigger questions in life, like why are we here and what should i be doing to make the most of my time. I’ve always been a moaner. A boy from my class wrote in my school leaving book to ”Be happy and stop MOANING!” I’ve just got this jealous, comparing streak. But should i eliminate it or just accept it as part of me? I’m at my best when i get an early start, get out and about and get some perspective on life. It’s like everyday i’ve been born again and have to remember to cope with my thoughts and emotions, but with less strength than i had the night before. Enough of this. Time to go out and get some perspective..
Blasts from the past & presenting yourself
..this new virtual, internet-based social existence we have nowadays perplexes and worries me sometimes. I find it weird how we’re expected to present ourselves on websites such as myspace and facebook through our interests, favourite films etc. Well, in fact it isn’t the method that bothers me as such, it’s just, how is a person, random or friend, supposed to get an honest picture of you when your representing yourself? I mean, you could say you were into anything and endeavor to make yourself sound as interesting and attractive as you wanted and no one could disprove it and you could actually be a right moron. Oh, i don’t know… i just think it’s rather fake and too open to interpretation. i’m finding it tres difficile to explain my unease. I guess, being a pretty honest and non egotisitcal individual i wouldn’t big myself up to sound amazing and therefore might not be held in such high esteem by readers of my profile when i actually deserved to be. I think i rely on people to see the least obvious traits of my personality, because they’re are the ones most important to me/the best ones. But then i don’t think other people are generally as deep or offbeat in thinking as i presume they are.. I might be wrong. I think it all comes down to wondering if i do have a soulmate out there.. or maybe i’ve already found her and am at the peak and have nothing much else to aim for. Are we all always searching? Is it the search that keeps us going? Do i feel like Carrie Bradshaw from ‘Sex and the city’ while i’m writing this? The answer is YES 
The reason this whole issue is prevalent in my mind is because last weekend i saw a couple of lads from school i hadn’t seen for years in a local pub. Anyway, despite imagining that the old school prejudices/embarassments (i’m trying to think of a particular word here, but can’t call it to mind) would remain, i was pleasantly suprised to find that they’d grown up and were polite and friendly and interested. (one of these lads, incidently, was my all-time high school crush and i nearly died of a fear/embarrassment attack when he entered the pub (i relaxed quite considerably later on). I also had a few sexual encounters with him but he never regarded me that highly, although i don’t think he hated me cos i’m not a biatch. Actually he was rather in love with one of my best friends (and she him secretly) but they never progressed further than them being flirting friends)
ANYWAY, I’m his myspace friend now and from what he says about himself he’s, y’know, spiritual and mature and all. One of his girl friends has written lots of comments on his page so i looked at her profile to see what she was about and she’s just soooo pathetic and girly! (e.g her mum and dad are her heroes, she luuurves men and bedroom things, oh god and she’s seems just completely girly and pink and fluffy and illiterate) I guess it wouldn’t annoy me so much, it’s just that before uni i think i was a bit more like that, i wouldn’t be embarrassed about saying i loved my family or being flirtatious and man/relationship-driven. But throughout uni i had to change and grow to fit in with my new group of friends who were more feminist-oriented and respectful of intelligence and strength and other things i don’t have words for. So i think i still feel that girly deep down. The things i desire, such as a home and a family and a husband, are all still there but they’re disguised behind this new me who is more cynical and harder to penetrate and get close to. Well that’s what it feels like anyway. I’m sure most of my friends from before uni would say i’m the same as i ever was. When i think about it, the new, developed me is more like a defence shield. I don’t feel as if i can be hurt by somebody else half as easily as i used to, which is empowering and makes me feel very secure and independent. But with this independence and self-sufficiency comes a certain amount of lonliness and a craving for emotional excitment, which i’m not sure if i could handle or not.
When i think this deeply everything in my world seems topsy turvey and complicated, then i know it’s time to think shallower again, otherwise depression and dissatisfaction will inevitably spread. I should write a conclusion to my thoughts really and i would like to but my brain is tired like it would be at the end of a school-hall-style exam and my eyes are dry and tired. I think i will lie down and read my bedtime book and have 40 winks.
Let me take you down…
Why am i the way that i am? Why do i feel like i’d rather be dead than alive? It sounds so selfish because i have a home, a loving family, food, water. I don’t witness or feel suffering hardly ever. If i don’t appreciate what i have then surely i’m not worthy. Give my privileged life to someone else. I hate living just for myself. Day in day out i have only myself to think about and i hate it. Too much time to myself. But i also hate work.
I had a break (and a cry) and now i remember that it’s PMS and not something unusual or concretely an issue. Every month i have this, sometimes twice or more, and it is shit. I seriously consider suicide everytime but know i couldn’t do it for my family’s sake. Also because i know deep down it is only a fleeting emotion – a couple of days, which makes it feel even more pointless. I feel bitter, jealous, guilty and sorry for myself and want to tell people exactly what i think of them. I like to smack myself just to get it out somehow, but it’s like a balloon full of air when someone’s squeezing the neck so it only comes out in squeaky squeals – not nearly enough to deflate and relax it.
I’m calmer now. It’ll still be an effort to be friendly towards my family at Sunday lunch but hopefully they’ll understand on some level. I’ll have a rollie on the drive over to calm my spirits. Ok, rant over. It’s even worse that it’s PMT. Not many people take it seriously (especially men, and even myself most of the time). FUCK EVERYTHING.
Blog no. 1 – on being green and the point.
Well hello. I’ve had a rubbish day today so far. Not in the grand scale of things was it rubbish. No one died, no one’s ill. I pressed my snooze button for over an hour before getting up at half eleven just cos i didn’t have a reason in particular to get up. Then once up i still didn’t see any reason to be up, ’though my gorgeous 8 month old nephew was about so he brought me some happiness. Then i cooked a curry that made me feel sick which was disappointing. And investigated a leak in our bathroom which remains unsolved. Also had a discussion with my dad about life and what’s the point cos it’s all so disappointing and ended up feeling misunderstood and annoying.
I’m not sure i even want to be writing this because it’s not very inspiring or enlightening, but i suppose this is meant to be a form of diary keeping so i won’t go back and delete any. I’ll just continue expressing myself in this fashion no matter how boring it is. I will feel better in about an hour after i’ve been for a walk through the woods in the English wind and spittle rain. My thoughts will be clearer and more sensical once my brain’s been aired. Basically I’m bored. I should be at work or something. I would be if it wasn’t my day off.
The green bit in the title is me deciding whether or not to join the green party. I want to but you have to pay. Why is that? Administative charges or summit?
Off to brave the English weather…
