Dulled senses make you happy
I just had an hour of afternoon sleep before going back to work and had the strangest dream sensation. I wearing earplugs so it was a partly true feeling, but in my dream I was partially deaf and my sight was blurred. I was running a shop for some reason and I think my mum and dad may have been there, with my sister Rachel and Bill, who was a caretaker at my old secondary school – a very admired and revered figure in my village who was the caretaker, speaker of greek, and also an amateur photographer (he did my sister’s wedding photos when i was 3. I was the bridesmaid). At school the flirty girls and more outspoken and intelligent students got his attention usually, whereas he never paid me the blindest bit of notice. I wanted it but i never asked for it. Maybe if i had caught his interest I wouldn’t have known what to do with it. I don’t know.
Anyway, i think actually it may have been a care home or something, not a shop because I was helping out this old, forgetful guy and an overweight, younger lady, to get their breakfast i think. It was so weird not being able to fully grasp what the people I was with were trying to communicate with me, but i know I did feel this amazing sense of freedom and I was leaping about, and laughing and singing quite freely, something i never feel able to do in front of people, or only after a very long friendship. I used to be able to but I lost it somewhere along the way. I wonder where and how i can get it back. My friend has only got 30% of hearing in both ears left and only 1 of her eyes is working properly. Now i kinda get how she feels, in a loose way. She says her deafness makes her feel less self-conscious, like she’s in her own little world.
Anyway I’m writing loads more than i planned to. Gotta get to work!
The lighter evenings we’re having recently make me so happy. As do the smell of hyacinths 
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream
The feeling of being grabbed around the shoulders by a tall, muscular man.
Kissing, biting each other on the lips, boiling over with passion.
Being pushed down to the ground, followed by his weight pressing on my body, his leg wedged in the middle of my two legs.
I’ve got to keep him by my side or he’ll walk out and never look back. But it felt right, so assured before. He saw my parents, was smiling with them. He rescued all of us in the end. Sorted the politics side, tied up loose ends. Gave us a strong arm that pulled us from the agonizing, almost vertical, final leg of our journey. That hill. But now we’ve arrived, the kids are all safe and sound. My family are here for my dad’s birthday. People are discussing the journey in awe and shock.
We went to his house, well i think it was a studio apartment, on the way. It was pure class. He had a cinema-sized Telly looming in front us as we entered the lounge slash living area and a grand piano sat in front of the screen, not high enough to obscure the TV, on a black stage. The three of us plonked ourselves on the huge, lush, rich-red coloured sofas facing the piano and the screen and I was told about the vibrating facility in the seat of the settee. I couldn’t locate it at first and just went along with the oohs and aahs of my companions. Then the young male, I couldn’t name his face, showed me I could get it to work if I sat on the gap between the cushions, which I did, and I felt good vibrations.
I also remember being on the tube, at an amusement park and disagreeing with my nephew. But the end bit was the most satisfying but also the most heartbreaking.
This is the stuff of my dreams. I don’t seem to be able to make it in real life, not often recently anyway. I have experienced the feeling in the past or I wouldn’t long for it and remember it the way I do.
I’m reading ‘The Worry Cure’ at the moment, and i fit almost every criterion of a worrier. There’s more to it than just simple worry or anxiousness. I need to be certain of everything. But certaintly is an impossibility in this life. I’m, in short, a control freak, but in controlling my life i leave no room for excitement, random events, lifechanging experiences. But we have to be responsible, reliable, thoughtful, to get on, to get and keep a job, keep friends. Balance, balance, balance, is what it’s all about, but if you think to hard about balancing things up your thoughts are turned to thinking and worry again.
I must change my ways and achieve my desires.
But perhaps the journey to what you desire is the most exciting part of all.
A bit of sex would go down well though.
A concern for the 20 something (for some reason)
Why do i feel so empty and missing something,
When i’ve got so much, much to be grateful for?
Still it’s not enough.
Is it ever enough?
Is this it?
As good as it gets?
Is it worth the constant shuffle - in search of
What?
Possession? Love? Belonging?
I look at other people and envy what they’ve got
Wonder why i haven’t
How i’m different, what i do wrong.
They’ve got a relationship i’ve never achieved.
Is it because i don’t want it,
Don’t require it
Don’t need it
Have enough already?
But i want it.
I feel worthless compared to my friends who have it.
Directionless
And pointless.
In theory.
Not all the time. There are other things to measure worth.
I’m good, helpful, passionate, concerned, but that one special person doesn’t see it.
I don’t know who that person is,
Maybe they’re already here and i won’t notice
Until i see the grass isn’t greener.
I wish i could be content with what i’ve got.
I’m happy but i’m always searching for more.
But that might be what keeps me alive.
It’s disheartening and makes me bitterer by the day.
It concerns me more at the beginning of a morning,
Probably because i have a chance to make a change.
Friends have advice, reasoning, explainations,
There isn’t one answer but many,
I don’t know what my answer is.
I take my decisions from the advice of others,
Too much perhaps.
I’m a sponge.
But not a weak push-over sponge.
By the end of the day i no longer care,
I relax, it’s been a write off day, but a good one,
I’ve had fun, i’ve grown tired and dreams welcome me back to bed.
Obligations here, jobs to do there, “drive me home please”,
All day all day every day,
i suppose that’s life
I’m needing something that’s mine though,
To bring pleasure and purpose.
A building, a person, a place,
I’m not sure.
A sign or a path to show me which way,
But no such luck.
So it seems it’s all down to me.
Damn.
How come life appears to happen to others and i have to make life work for me?
People will tell me that’s not true.
But then that means i’m wrong, not right,
Me
A bad egg,
Worse
An unattractive egg,
For pounding purposes only.
Don’t think i think little of myself.
I’ve been told that by older, wiser people all my life
And it makes it worse, perpetuates the feeling,
It’s bollocks.
I like me,
It’s other people that aren’t that amazed.
It could be argued that i shouldn’t need all this acceptance,
Desire from other people,
Blame my programming.
Grey March morn
G’day, i just awoke and we’re having contrasting weather to yesterday’s bright, warming offerings. How uninspiring this weather is. It’s put me on a low. I have a day off today which means i have full-power and reign over what i do.. Sussex is my oyster.. but my mum wants me to drive her to the shops later so we can buy some cat food so that limits my time somewhat, but i know, i think i’ll visit Lewes library (they sent me a free voucher for a DVD/CD rental because i hadn’t used my card for a while – brilliant! – definitely an encouragement!)
So.. what to do with the rest of my life? I’ve been feeling like i’d be happy to move out of home again the last couple of weeks. Living back with the mum and dad has many advantages, and I’m not knocking them at all, but there’s a pull, some pressure (perhaps from society) coming from within me to want to get the hell outta here and control my own life elsewhere. But where to start?
Even though i’ve got a couple of part time jobs, the money still isn’t amazing so i’d have to live on a shoestring (again!) so i can pay rent and council tax. I don’t wanna become one of these 20something try-hards who think that it will all balance out in the end cos it prolly won’t (there are always temptations for money-spending and i reckon there are more people in serious debt out there than we imagine) and it’d take a hell of a lot of grafting, which i, to be honest, can’t be bothered with. Don’t get me wrong, i like to work, but i’ll never let my work become my life, social and personal time to chill and to grow is way more important.
Then, where to live and who with? My best mate has got a cushy situation at home with her parents and shows no desire to move soon (for which i don’t entirely blame her-i don’t think we’ve ever had it soo good!) I’m not sure if i’d want to live in the city again, so either a town or village would be goood. Oh gawd, i dunno. i feel like i actually want to make a 100 mile shift completely to the left and go and live in a yurt and live off the land, but i’m not sure if this is a fantasy or a possible reality.
It doesn’t help that i don’t want to do any of this alone. I’m not frightened of being alone (like some people might think cos of confidence issues or whatever) i would just see it as a quite sad and lonely, when i’ve spent years nurturing friendships, to do it alone. I guess i am quite untrusting/wary of strangers and it takes me a while to settle in with someone. And i think it’d be simply more fun to do it with someone else. i don’t know what ‘it’ is but it’s something in the future. I’m happy to be alone. In fact i do feel quite isolated in everyday life. I drive solo most of the time, for work and pleasure trips, i work nights alone much of the time and at home it’s mostly just the ‘olds’ who are ok, but slow and out of touch. I get fed up with being by myself anyway cos i’m such boring company. I know exactly what i’m going to say next!
Anyway, i wish i had a dice i could roll with life decisions on it, then i wouldn’t have to make choices and take action myself. I’m happy to make choices for others i think but not myself. I don’t like living this single, twenty something’s life – all the decisions are selfish ones and i don’t want to be responsible for that! First task is to get my bank balance up to zero anyway. Then go to Scotland with best mate at the end of April – they say a rest’s as good as a change (and so will be the sexy accents of the rugged men up there!). Then will come the festivals of summertime and then the money will be gone again!!
I’m feeling my energy levels rising now, but i need some brekkie to sustain them. maybe a full English?? A hot egg perhaps? Then a shower, then to Lewes. Oh, the excitement…!
Dreaming – Satisfy my soul.
I hate waking up.
My own unconscious likes to taunt and tease me by providing me with exciting films during my sleeping hours that figuratively make my dreams come true. Tho the coming true bit never actually happens.
Therefore when i wake up i’m greeted by an anti-climax and feelings of disappointment and loss – not the best way to start a day. I then remember that i’m 22, still live with my parents, see no changes coming to that in the near future and my face droops as does my heart, my mind, my soul.
It’s not that bad, i know, I’m not complaining as such. I just long for a little (or perhaps a great deal) of excitement. My adult like isn’t as i’d envisaged it. Or maybe it is but i’m too used to it now to realise. I know i’ve achieved some of the things i wanted to but your perception of situation changes when you’re actually in it.
I think what it basically boils down to is sex. Not all of us get enough and that includes me! Every night pretty much i dream about it. I want to try so many things before i’m old and decrepit. You can’t give it away these days! There are many barriers, emotions and struggles of power to get over first. Drunkeness is the easiest lubricant.
I’m so bored! There are riveting moments in my life but they’re too sporadic to make me content it seems. I don’t think i’d be so involved with certain TV shows if my life was full.
But i’m speaking from the now - 10.30 am on a cold January Tuesday morn. During busy periods of work, sleep and play life is full and then there is no time to reflect. I might get so bored soon i’ll burst into a fire of passion and idleness.
Does anyone else feel as though their life is massively unexciting, either compared to their peers, their dreams or their expectations?
It’s down to me at the end of the day, i know. I like to indulge in some self-pity. Maybe I believe the Gods will smile down on me and grant my wishes if i complain enough. Tut, it’s no good! Friends and family are always telling me “Join some groups. Go and meet some people” but organised groups, bah, there’s something so contrived about that. I guess i’m too much of a romantic soul and secretly reckon I’ll meet people i like and trees of fun on my random walks through the fields.
If only i could just spew on the page and let the words arrange themselves into exactly what I mean.. .
