First in a long time
Now i’ve got a man in my life, first for a long time. My emotions this week have been fucked more than usual, part due to ovulation, but why? If this is what love or an approximation of love does to you, it can go fuck itself. Tits. Ass. Nuts.
Run away Run away,
Run from myself
Don’t wanna be on my own,
But other people piss me off
Or they’ll get pissed at me
No good No good
What to do?
Run, Run, far and away
For how long? When will i want to return?
But i will never escape the jaws of…
Myself.
Best not to Best not to
THINK
Smoke don’t drink
Read, paint, run run run
Interact? Let others know your weakness?
Better not from past experience.
Does that mean I’m closed?
Is that bad?
feeling better
Ok, i’ve cleaned, done some stuff and meditated and i feel better. I don’t even know who I am talking to here, it’s gotta stop really. This world is pioneering and we have no evidence what effect it is going to have on our psychological states. Meditating was a positive experience. My tape deck on my stereo just bodged up and i was angry at it. But now it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know what matters in life really. This is my main problem. My brain and soul aren’t concerned with any particular outcome anymore. I’ve nothing to prove because nobody seems to turn their heads no matter what i do. I guess it’s the same for all of us. If i died, it would only essentially affect me, others, perhaps for a while, but they’d get over it, which is good. But my perspective is only my own and no one else fully shares it. Ever. They may for a while, then things change and everything starts over again. I guess i’m always seeking acceptance and reassurance from outside things, be it people, drugs, grades. I guess we all do in a way, some of us are aware we are. I think it’s good to be self-reliant, self-assured, and not need anything but your own mind, but i think i do that a lot anyway. So many of my peers have more bolstering, esteem-boosting (there’s is a word and I’m desperately seeking it) other people in their lives, it seems, than i do, and they’re the ones who give me advice?? why should i listen to other people anymore. I know i ask for it, but i won’t anymore. I hate to be ignorant or closed-off, but advice makes me feel small, as if the people giving it are so much saner and with it than i am, when i know they’re not.
I’m too analytical i know. I should just stop thinking and get on with it. I don’t like being negative about myself in front of others anymore. So this is why i want to end this internet malarky. I was happier when it was broken. But i don’t want to cut myself off either. Am I the only one who feels this contradiction? Actually maybe don’t answer that. I seek empathy, yet I also want to be different from others.
What is MY reality? How is my WORLD?
Things have never got back to as simple as they were before i went to Uni. I used to be, yeah, perhaps a bit mainstream, a bit blinded, pressured to conform, not stand out. I’ve lost all those shackles now and i’m free to be me, have the confidence to defend my beliefs and my actions. But i’m lost. And i’m fearful often that my priorities are different to the people i live and work around so I worry and occasionally do get told off for not working, not being responsible and helpful enough, they’re all mothers, fathers, successful in their jobs and their grip on reality is located on a different part in varying strengths of grip.
Mine is gripped but there doesn’t seem to be anybody near me. My friends, from uni, academics, the people i guess are my new circle, are over there, things are more alien than anything there but i’ve gone through a process where i’ve learned, adapted, not that it all sits comfortably, it didn’t at all at first.
Over the other side are my family, the people from my home town, whose embrace i am held by now but i’ve moved on mentally. They don’t see that cos i have a job that does not use these powers, i’m wearing the disguise of my former self. But i’m angry and annoyed cos i’m not that person now. i’m no longer comforted by the perception of reality i had then.
There are good and bad points to both lives, and i think they mostly balance each other out. But now i am alone and no one is of the same species as me no matter how much i hold my hands out. They keep getting bitten if i’m honest and i keep having to snatch them in so i’m not hurt or taken advantage of. I’m a bit solitary but i’m still in control of my head and my instincts are sharp. i need to be needed. That’s what i’ve grown up to be, like the rest of my litter, but they can use their skills. Mine were rebuffed and unrequired in the new life. Now i have to summon them again so i can get on with my life.
You don’t need to be able to comprehend this. I can’t help but second guess your reactions which makes it hard for me to finish. so i won’t. just don’t tell me i’m wrong or i don’t think this way cus i feel that’s you being master or commander of MY mind which your not, no matter how insightful you believe yourself to be. I think i know what i have to do but Rome wasn’t built in a day. As time makes me older the words i say, the sounds i make may change but there’s a chip inside me that is unchangeable which is surrounded with layers and layers of onion skin that are me but i guess they can go brown and floppy with old age and death. But i try to keep as many of them as i can in their original state which is white and firm, that bit is me, y’see.
My current (buns)
Where did my life go?
Where is it going?
I’ve hit a bump in the road but it hasn’t rocked me
I’m just stuck
Inspiration has done a runner on all fronts
People I encounter aren’t admirable or awesome
Places are missing the life, the zing, the adventure they had
I don’t know where I’m heading so there’s no route to follow
Just day after isolated day
Earning money for things I don’t really want
Enough to be comfortable
So the boredom can perpetuate itself
Summer has passed us by in 2007
Forgotten
Beaching it up & warm, bronzed, sweet-smelling skin a missed memory
Why no sun?
I’m still chasing the past
Believing it’s hidden within his shell
But in moments of clarity I see that the feeling has evolved
To be reinvented as something new.
a pain in the brain
My personality sucks. I’m a helpful, eager to please person who carries a lot of guilt when i feel i’ve hurt someone, no matter how minorly, but i’m also quite selfish and self-centred when it comes down to it. These two traits clash and end up makng me feel quite bitter in the end because i do things for people i guess ultimately to be loved and needed, but some of my acquaintances i do things for don’t give that to me so i wonder why i’ve bothered but then if i tell them my problem with that i feel guilty for lumbering them with my personality dysfunction.
A concern for the 20 something (for some reason)
Why do i feel so empty and missing something,
When i’ve got so much, much to be grateful for?
Still it’s not enough.
Is it ever enough?
Is this it?
As good as it gets?
Is it worth the constant shuffle - in search of
What?
Possession? Love? Belonging?
I look at other people and envy what they’ve got
Wonder why i haven’t
How i’m different, what i do wrong.
They’ve got a relationship i’ve never achieved.
Is it because i don’t want it,
Don’t require it
Don’t need it
Have enough already?
But i want it.
I feel worthless compared to my friends who have it.
Directionless
And pointless.
In theory.
Not all the time. There are other things to measure worth.
I’m good, helpful, passionate, concerned, but that one special person doesn’t see it.
I don’t know who that person is,
Maybe they’re already here and i won’t notice
Until i see the grass isn’t greener.
I wish i could be content with what i’ve got.
I’m happy but i’m always searching for more.
But that might be what keeps me alive.
It’s disheartening and makes me bitterer by the day.
It concerns me more at the beginning of a morning,
Probably because i have a chance to make a change.
Friends have advice, reasoning, explainations,
There isn’t one answer but many,
I don’t know what my answer is.
I take my decisions from the advice of others,
Too much perhaps.
I’m a sponge.
But not a weak push-over sponge.
By the end of the day i no longer care,
I relax, it’s been a write off day, but a good one,
I’ve had fun, i’ve grown tired and dreams welcome me back to bed.
Obligations here, jobs to do there, “drive me home please”,
All day all day every day,
i suppose that’s life
I’m needing something that’s mine though,
To bring pleasure and purpose.
A building, a person, a place,
I’m not sure.
A sign or a path to show me which way,
But no such luck.
So it seems it’s all down to me.
Damn.
How come life appears to happen to others and i have to make life work for me?
People will tell me that’s not true.
But then that means i’m wrong, not right,
Me
A bad egg,
Worse
An unattractive egg,
For pounding purposes only.
Don’t think i think little of myself.
I’ve been told that by older, wiser people all my life
And it makes it worse, perpetuates the feeling,
It’s bollocks.
I like me,
It’s other people that aren’t that amazed.
It could be argued that i shouldn’t need all this acceptance,
Desire from other people,
Blame my programming.
Stop your moaning, woman!
Does all this technology we have these days improve our lives or just make it more problematic? When a computer, TV, car or any appliance fecks up there’s no one to pass the blame to but ourselves and our stupidity to rely on such unreliable, irresponsible, souless pieces of equipment. For instance, i was just pouring my heart out writing a blog, and the page decides it wants to close down, so it’s gone. Now usually this site saves my drafts as i go, but this one time i needed it to, it didn’t. Now i feel hurt, frustrated like it was a waste of time. It might have provided a cathartic purpose, but still, I don’t think it’s very good for my health and mental well being, being mucked about like this, but perhaps i shouldn’t be so sensitive and easily disgruntled. But my sensitivity makes up a lot of my good qualities too. Admittedly, being morning, i’m going to be more irritable than at other times of the day. Life is one long slog to avoid being depressed again.. it seems sometimes. I feel like such a contradiction in myself all the time. On the one hand i’m a caring, peace-loving, conflict-avoiding, open-minded, relaxed person and on the other i am a hysterical, bitter, screaming and kicking whinge bag. But i think i know a lot of people who have felt like they’re a dichotomy. I guess it’s just life that causes these personality splits though, like one minute you’re up, the next you’re down. I just feel like i’m constantly striving to be this good person, and feel guilty when i feel low or even a bit indifferent. And i get bitter when i meet people who do nothing to strive to be a better person. Y’know, people who don’t make an effort with their friends/family, who do nothing to help the world or other people, who don’t put themselves out on a limb – selfish people. And i get bitter because it seems these people who put no effort in get the same, if not more, out of life than i do. The reason i’m in this mood this morning is partly because of my prattish little brother. I got woken up at 11 by him saying my parents are going to be back soon (they’ve been away for a few days, leaving us witht he empty house). ok, quite late to be in bed, but i made the most out the last free night and have to work this evening so i thought i deserved it. so i got up, straight downstairs and began vacuuming the lounge and kitchen. during that time my bro just sat playing snake on his phone rather than help start the pile of washing up (because it wasn’t his mess). Well excuuuuse, me master! i’ve done the washing all week, washed up 3 times , including your stuff, made up and kept the fire alight all week. Why are some people soooo unhelpful and un-conscientious? I’d happily help anyone anytime. I mean a bit of physical activity doesn’t hurt and i’m very generous with my time. But others are so lazy and un self-sacrificing. Why the FECK should i be if i never get any of it back? I know i shouldn’t do things for people just because i expect something back, but it does get bloody disheartening. Of course, my example has the age-old sibling arguement/rivalry thing going on, but it applies to other relationships too. What is it in my personality that makes me so discontented? In fact i think it’s my situation that makes me the way i am. From the small things like still living at home and not being sure if i’ll be any happier living away, to the bigger questions in life, like why are we here and what should i be doing to make the most of my time. I’ve always been a moaner. A boy from my class wrote in my school leaving book to ”Be happy and stop MOANING!” I’ve just got this jealous, comparing streak. But should i eliminate it or just accept it as part of me? I’m at my best when i get an early start, get out and about and get some perspective on life. It’s like everyday i’ve been born again and have to remember to cope with my thoughts and emotions, but with less strength than i had the night before. Enough of this. Time to go out and get some perspective..
Blasts from the past & presenting yourself
..this new virtual, internet-based social existence we have nowadays perplexes and worries me sometimes. I find it weird how we’re expected to present ourselves on websites such as myspace and facebook through our interests, favourite films etc. Well, in fact it isn’t the method that bothers me as such, it’s just, how is a person, random or friend, supposed to get an honest picture of you when your representing yourself? I mean, you could say you were into anything and endeavor to make yourself sound as interesting and attractive as you wanted and no one could disprove it and you could actually be a right moron. Oh, i don’t know… i just think it’s rather fake and too open to interpretation. i’m finding it tres difficile to explain my unease. I guess, being a pretty honest and non egotisitcal individual i wouldn’t big myself up to sound amazing and therefore might not be held in such high esteem by readers of my profile when i actually deserved to be. I think i rely on people to see the least obvious traits of my personality, because they’re are the ones most important to me/the best ones. But then i don’t think other people are generally as deep or offbeat in thinking as i presume they are.. I might be wrong. I think it all comes down to wondering if i do have a soulmate out there.. or maybe i’ve already found her and am at the peak and have nothing much else to aim for. Are we all always searching? Is it the search that keeps us going? Do i feel like Carrie Bradshaw from ‘Sex and the city’ while i’m writing this? The answer is YES 
The reason this whole issue is prevalent in my mind is because last weekend i saw a couple of lads from school i hadn’t seen for years in a local pub. Anyway, despite imagining that the old school prejudices/embarassments (i’m trying to think of a particular word here, but can’t call it to mind) would remain, i was pleasantly suprised to find that they’d grown up and were polite and friendly and interested. (one of these lads, incidently, was my all-time high school crush and i nearly died of a fear/embarrassment attack when he entered the pub (i relaxed quite considerably later on). I also had a few sexual encounters with him but he never regarded me that highly, although i don’t think he hated me cos i’m not a biatch. Actually he was rather in love with one of my best friends (and she him secretly) but they never progressed further than them being flirting friends)
ANYWAY, I’m his myspace friend now and from what he says about himself he’s, y’know, spiritual and mature and all. One of his girl friends has written lots of comments on his page so i looked at her profile to see what she was about and she’s just soooo pathetic and girly! (e.g her mum and dad are her heroes, she luuurves men and bedroom things, oh god and she’s seems just completely girly and pink and fluffy and illiterate) I guess it wouldn’t annoy me so much, it’s just that before uni i think i was a bit more like that, i wouldn’t be embarrassed about saying i loved my family or being flirtatious and man/relationship-driven. But throughout uni i had to change and grow to fit in with my new group of friends who were more feminist-oriented and respectful of intelligence and strength and other things i don’t have words for. So i think i still feel that girly deep down. The things i desire, such as a home and a family and a husband, are all still there but they’re disguised behind this new me who is more cynical and harder to penetrate and get close to. Well that’s what it feels like anyway. I’m sure most of my friends from before uni would say i’m the same as i ever was. When i think about it, the new, developed me is more like a defence shield. I don’t feel as if i can be hurt by somebody else half as easily as i used to, which is empowering and makes me feel very secure and independent. But with this independence and self-sufficiency comes a certain amount of lonliness and a craving for emotional excitment, which i’m not sure if i could handle or not.
When i think this deeply everything in my world seems topsy turvey and complicated, then i know it’s time to think shallower again, otherwise depression and dissatisfaction will inevitably spread. I should write a conclusion to my thoughts really and i would like to but my brain is tired like it would be at the end of a school-hall-style exam and my eyes are dry and tired. I think i will lie down and read my bedtime book and have 40 winks.
blah blah blah
Long time no writage..! i’ve been trying to copy down on the computer a load of stuff (feelings etc) i wrote originally on paper (in a flow kind of way with lots of different coloured pencils) but it doesn’t feel right (write), more like a chore, an essay, than i wanted it to feel. So now i schpeel from the top of my head.
I always find it so difficult to write. i can’t seem to organise my thoughts properly to express them. It’s very frustrating. I always feel like giving up as soon as i start. Like now. I want to get up and do something active. This also happens when i read. I do love reading but it’s a before-bed activity for me. I’ve got ants in me pants!
I can’t think of the words. And when i talk i feel like i’m rambling and boring people cos i’m not succinct enough. Being understood is very important to me and to be interpreted as i’d like to be, so things aren’t said of me that i don’t feel are true. I don’t know why i bother. I’m such a control freak. That’s why i have casual sex and no relationships i’m sure. kissing and sucking and touching and rubbing is sensual and physical and is all the passion and feeling without the chat. but then it’s over too soon.
i’m feeling all stressed up inside myself from writing this. I guess i want someone but i don’t want it the way other people get it. ‘a boyfriend’, so earned and official. i can’t seem to get there and i never have and i think that’s just down to me being who i am. And a lot of the time i don’t mind it, cos it’s what i go after and it’s what i get. but why is it different for everybody else i know? I’m not emotionally repressed or an unloving person – far from it i think – but i think it’s half the problem.
oh i dunno where to go now. to get stoned. it stops the confusion cos it stops the thinking. I’m not unhappy. this is the thing about airing your feelings – people reading it will think you’ve got a problem cos that’s why you’ve written but i’m mostly ok. I think about living too much and don’t just live. but i am who i am. i’m popeye the sailor man.
