First in a long time
Now i’ve got a man in my life, first for a long time. My emotions this week have been fucked more than usual, part due to ovulation, but why? If this is what love or an approximation of love does to you, it can go fuck itself. Tits. Ass. Nuts.
Run away Run away,
Run from myself
Don’t wanna be on my own,
But other people piss me off
Or they’ll get pissed at me
No good No good
What to do?
Run, Run, far and away
For how long? When will i want to return?
But i will never escape the jaws of…
Myself.
Best not to Best not to
THINK
Smoke don’t drink
Read, paint, run run run
Interact? Let others know your weakness?
Better not from past experience.
Does that mean I’m closed?
Is that bad?
What is MY reality? How is my WORLD?
Things have never got back to as simple as they were before i went to Uni. I used to be, yeah, perhaps a bit mainstream, a bit blinded, pressured to conform, not stand out. I’ve lost all those shackles now and i’m free to be me, have the confidence to defend my beliefs and my actions. But i’m lost. And i’m fearful often that my priorities are different to the people i live and work around so I worry and occasionally do get told off for not working, not being responsible and helpful enough, they’re all mothers, fathers, successful in their jobs and their grip on reality is located on a different part in varying strengths of grip.
Mine is gripped but there doesn’t seem to be anybody near me. My friends, from uni, academics, the people i guess are my new circle, are over there, things are more alien than anything there but i’ve gone through a process where i’ve learned, adapted, not that it all sits comfortably, it didn’t at all at first.
Over the other side are my family, the people from my home town, whose embrace i am held by now but i’ve moved on mentally. They don’t see that cos i have a job that does not use these powers, i’m wearing the disguise of my former self. But i’m angry and annoyed cos i’m not that person now. i’m no longer comforted by the perception of reality i had then.
There are good and bad points to both lives, and i think they mostly balance each other out. But now i am alone and no one is of the same species as me no matter how much i hold my hands out. They keep getting bitten if i’m honest and i keep having to snatch them in so i’m not hurt or taken advantage of. I’m a bit solitary but i’m still in control of my head and my instincts are sharp. i need to be needed. That’s what i’ve grown up to be, like the rest of my litter, but they can use their skills. Mine were rebuffed and unrequired in the new life. Now i have to summon them again so i can get on with my life.
You don’t need to be able to comprehend this. I can’t help but second guess your reactions which makes it hard for me to finish. so i won’t. just don’t tell me i’m wrong or i don’t think this way cus i feel that’s you being master or commander of MY mind which your not, no matter how insightful you believe yourself to be. I think i know what i have to do but Rome wasn’t built in a day. As time makes me older the words i say, the sounds i make may change but there’s a chip inside me that is unchangeable which is surrounded with layers and layers of onion skin that are me but i guess they can go brown and floppy with old age and death. But i try to keep as many of them as i can in their original state which is white and firm, that bit is me, y’see.
a pain in the brain
My personality sucks. I’m a helpful, eager to please person who carries a lot of guilt when i feel i’ve hurt someone, no matter how minorly, but i’m also quite selfish and self-centred when it comes down to it. These two traits clash and end up makng me feel quite bitter in the end because i do things for people i guess ultimately to be loved and needed, but some of my acquaintances i do things for don’t give that to me so i wonder why i’ve bothered but then if i tell them my problem with that i feel guilty for lumbering them with my personality dysfunction.
Inmates of WordPress
I often have most of my most profound (and not so profound!) thoughts whilst i’m driving or walking or when i’m busy in general and, annoyingly, am unable to record or note them down. Here are a few thoughts that remain ambling and bumping into each other in my vacuous mind which i’m going to spew out before they are lost forever…
(thoughts thought whilst walking through quiet woodland at sunset)
Imagining the path disappearing behind me as i walk, leaving me no way to get back home
Secret fields of green grass hidden away from the hubbub of normal life
Spider webs crisscross the path ahead of me, the sun’s rays revealing their presence making them look like single threads of auburn hair.
Also, we never know what a person is like when they’re on their own because there’s no one to observe. Obvious probably, but not to me.
And my dad’s rubbish and letting arguements fizzle out and chill, unlke the women in our family. What shite we have to put up with!
Well, not many thoughts there, the information made a bolt for it as soon as i put in a request, but I managed to capture and hold hostage a couple of prisoners.
A concern for the 20 something (for some reason)
Why do i feel so empty and missing something,
When i’ve got so much, much to be grateful for?
Still it’s not enough.
Is it ever enough?
Is this it?
As good as it gets?
Is it worth the constant shuffle - in search of
What?
Possession? Love? Belonging?
I look at other people and envy what they’ve got
Wonder why i haven’t
How i’m different, what i do wrong.
They’ve got a relationship i’ve never achieved.
Is it because i don’t want it,
Don’t require it
Don’t need it
Have enough already?
But i want it.
I feel worthless compared to my friends who have it.
Directionless
And pointless.
In theory.
Not all the time. There are other things to measure worth.
I’m good, helpful, passionate, concerned, but that one special person doesn’t see it.
I don’t know who that person is,
Maybe they’re already here and i won’t notice
Until i see the grass isn’t greener.
I wish i could be content with what i’ve got.
I’m happy but i’m always searching for more.
But that might be what keeps me alive.
It’s disheartening and makes me bitterer by the day.
It concerns me more at the beginning of a morning,
Probably because i have a chance to make a change.
Friends have advice, reasoning, explainations,
There isn’t one answer but many,
I don’t know what my answer is.
I take my decisions from the advice of others,
Too much perhaps.
I’m a sponge.
But not a weak push-over sponge.
By the end of the day i no longer care,
I relax, it’s been a write off day, but a good one,
I’ve had fun, i’ve grown tired and dreams welcome me back to bed.
Obligations here, jobs to do there, “drive me home please”,
All day all day every day,
i suppose that’s life
I’m needing something that’s mine though,
To bring pleasure and purpose.
A building, a person, a place,
I’m not sure.
A sign or a path to show me which way,
But no such luck.
So it seems it’s all down to me.
Damn.
How come life appears to happen to others and i have to make life work for me?
People will tell me that’s not true.
But then that means i’m wrong, not right,
Me
A bad egg,
Worse
An unattractive egg,
For pounding purposes only.
Don’t think i think little of myself.
I’ve been told that by older, wiser people all my life
And it makes it worse, perpetuates the feeling,
It’s bollocks.
I like me,
It’s other people that aren’t that amazed.
It could be argued that i shouldn’t need all this acceptance,
Desire from other people,
Blame my programming.
Where did all the good times go?
things seem quiet at the moment. The internet’s quiet, friends are quiet, life’s quiet, well not quiet quiet, i mean i’ve been on holiday and have seen family and friends but i still feel lonely. I’m not desperately lonely - not much to complain about. Lots of beings seemed to die last week, my hamster being one of them. It’s strange not to hear him nibbling at the end of my bed in the secret hours of the morning. Work seems to define my waking hours at the moment. I work, then i spend time doing what i like and choose to do, then i eat, then i sleep, then i work again. I don’t know who or where some of my friends are at the moment. And i don’t where i’m heading next. There are no plans or needs to move home anytime soon for me. And i feel i’d better stick at this job for at least a year, even though i’d like to train to be a teacher. I haven’t seen anyone at all today. I woke up late and everyone was out, i don’t know where and i haven’t bothered to find out. I’m stagnant. Or something is. There’s a lack of love in Brighton at the moment. I’m rotting here, but it’s not right there. I’m not having a pop at anyone, just expressing my unease. I don’t know where to go to feel easy, happy and to get some sex.
Stop your moaning, woman!
Does all this technology we have these days improve our lives or just make it more problematic? When a computer, TV, car or any appliance fecks up there’s no one to pass the blame to but ourselves and our stupidity to rely on such unreliable, irresponsible, souless pieces of equipment. For instance, i was just pouring my heart out writing a blog, and the page decides it wants to close down, so it’s gone. Now usually this site saves my drafts as i go, but this one time i needed it to, it didn’t. Now i feel hurt, frustrated like it was a waste of time. It might have provided a cathartic purpose, but still, I don’t think it’s very good for my health and mental well being, being mucked about like this, but perhaps i shouldn’t be so sensitive and easily disgruntled. But my sensitivity makes up a lot of my good qualities too. Admittedly, being morning, i’m going to be more irritable than at other times of the day. Life is one long slog to avoid being depressed again.. it seems sometimes. I feel like such a contradiction in myself all the time. On the one hand i’m a caring, peace-loving, conflict-avoiding, open-minded, relaxed person and on the other i am a hysterical, bitter, screaming and kicking whinge bag. But i think i know a lot of people who have felt like they’re a dichotomy. I guess it’s just life that causes these personality splits though, like one minute you’re up, the next you’re down. I just feel like i’m constantly striving to be this good person, and feel guilty when i feel low or even a bit indifferent. And i get bitter when i meet people who do nothing to strive to be a better person. Y’know, people who don’t make an effort with their friends/family, who do nothing to help the world or other people, who don’t put themselves out on a limb – selfish people. And i get bitter because it seems these people who put no effort in get the same, if not more, out of life than i do. The reason i’m in this mood this morning is partly because of my prattish little brother. I got woken up at 11 by him saying my parents are going to be back soon (they’ve been away for a few days, leaving us witht he empty house). ok, quite late to be in bed, but i made the most out the last free night and have to work this evening so i thought i deserved it. so i got up, straight downstairs and began vacuuming the lounge and kitchen. during that time my bro just sat playing snake on his phone rather than help start the pile of washing up (because it wasn’t his mess). Well excuuuuse, me master! i’ve done the washing all week, washed up 3 times , including your stuff, made up and kept the fire alight all week. Why are some people soooo unhelpful and un-conscientious? I’d happily help anyone anytime. I mean a bit of physical activity doesn’t hurt and i’m very generous with my time. But others are so lazy and un self-sacrificing. Why the FECK should i be if i never get any of it back? I know i shouldn’t do things for people just because i expect something back, but it does get bloody disheartening. Of course, my example has the age-old sibling arguement/rivalry thing going on, but it applies to other relationships too. What is it in my personality that makes me so discontented? In fact i think it’s my situation that makes me the way i am. From the small things like still living at home and not being sure if i’ll be any happier living away, to the bigger questions in life, like why are we here and what should i be doing to make the most of my time. I’ve always been a moaner. A boy from my class wrote in my school leaving book to ”Be happy and stop MOANING!” I’ve just got this jealous, comparing streak. But should i eliminate it or just accept it as part of me? I’m at my best when i get an early start, get out and about and get some perspective on life. It’s like everyday i’ve been born again and have to remember to cope with my thoughts and emotions, but with less strength than i had the night before. Enough of this. Time to go out and get some perspective..
Blasts from the past & presenting yourself
..this new virtual, internet-based social existence we have nowadays perplexes and worries me sometimes. I find it weird how we’re expected to present ourselves on websites such as myspace and facebook through our interests, favourite films etc. Well, in fact it isn’t the method that bothers me as such, it’s just, how is a person, random or friend, supposed to get an honest picture of you when your representing yourself? I mean, you could say you were into anything and endeavor to make yourself sound as interesting and attractive as you wanted and no one could disprove it and you could actually be a right moron. Oh, i don’t know… i just think it’s rather fake and too open to interpretation. i’m finding it tres difficile to explain my unease. I guess, being a pretty honest and non egotisitcal individual i wouldn’t big myself up to sound amazing and therefore might not be held in such high esteem by readers of my profile when i actually deserved to be. I think i rely on people to see the least obvious traits of my personality, because they’re are the ones most important to me/the best ones. But then i don’t think other people are generally as deep or offbeat in thinking as i presume they are.. I might be wrong. I think it all comes down to wondering if i do have a soulmate out there.. or maybe i’ve already found her and am at the peak and have nothing much else to aim for. Are we all always searching? Is it the search that keeps us going? Do i feel like Carrie Bradshaw from ‘Sex and the city’ while i’m writing this? The answer is YES 
The reason this whole issue is prevalent in my mind is because last weekend i saw a couple of lads from school i hadn’t seen for years in a local pub. Anyway, despite imagining that the old school prejudices/embarassments (i’m trying to think of a particular word here, but can’t call it to mind) would remain, i was pleasantly suprised to find that they’d grown up and were polite and friendly and interested. (one of these lads, incidently, was my all-time high school crush and i nearly died of a fear/embarrassment attack when he entered the pub (i relaxed quite considerably later on). I also had a few sexual encounters with him but he never regarded me that highly, although i don’t think he hated me cos i’m not a biatch. Actually he was rather in love with one of my best friends (and she him secretly) but they never progressed further than them being flirting friends)
ANYWAY, I’m his myspace friend now and from what he says about himself he’s, y’know, spiritual and mature and all. One of his girl friends has written lots of comments on his page so i looked at her profile to see what she was about and she’s just soooo pathetic and girly! (e.g her mum and dad are her heroes, she luuurves men and bedroom things, oh god and she’s seems just completely girly and pink and fluffy and illiterate) I guess it wouldn’t annoy me so much, it’s just that before uni i think i was a bit more like that, i wouldn’t be embarrassed about saying i loved my family or being flirtatious and man/relationship-driven. But throughout uni i had to change and grow to fit in with my new group of friends who were more feminist-oriented and respectful of intelligence and strength and other things i don’t have words for. So i think i still feel that girly deep down. The things i desire, such as a home and a family and a husband, are all still there but they’re disguised behind this new me who is more cynical and harder to penetrate and get close to. Well that’s what it feels like anyway. I’m sure most of my friends from before uni would say i’m the same as i ever was. When i think about it, the new, developed me is more like a defence shield. I don’t feel as if i can be hurt by somebody else half as easily as i used to, which is empowering and makes me feel very secure and independent. But with this independence and self-sufficiency comes a certain amount of lonliness and a craving for emotional excitment, which i’m not sure if i could handle or not.
When i think this deeply everything in my world seems topsy turvey and complicated, then i know it’s time to think shallower again, otherwise depression and dissatisfaction will inevitably spread. I should write a conclusion to my thoughts really and i would like to but my brain is tired like it would be at the end of a school-hall-style exam and my eyes are dry and tired. I think i will lie down and read my bedtime book and have 40 winks.
Oh Mother…
There is such a space between us
now
I long to be friendly to you and cuddle up and watch eastenders
but i feel i no longer can.
I wish i loved you like i did when i was a child
now i feel like i don’t know you at all
I wonder if you feel the same about me but i don’t think you do
cos you don’t look as confused and saddened as i feel
And i think that is because you don’t care
But i know it isnt
You just don’t know how to talk to me
How to take me
Cos I might explode (a bit) at you
Or i could be in a good mood and actually welcome a hug
And i feel so harsh to you most the time
And you don’t seem to notice
And i feel worse and worse
Is it because i don’t respect you much?
or don’t understand you cos you don’t respect yourself or ever have damaged pride?
I think you are still human under that
but the mother suit is thick skinned.
You try to say something jokey, lighthearted
but i take it seriously and merely grimace
I’m not like this with anyone else
You’re just so nice that i can’t be anything but horrible to you
Do you forgive me?
The cats receive my love more often than you
But i want you to know that i love you more
but fear that you would melt with joy if i displayed it
So i don’t.
I hope my coolness doesn’t hurt you or make you wonder why
Though i’m certain you’re used to it by now after all your years and all your kids.
Taken from ‘Each Day a New Beginning – Daily Meditations for Women’
“It is healthier to see the good points of others than to analyse our own bad ones” – Francoise Sagan
Looking for the good in others is good for one’s soul.
Comparisons we make of ourselves with others, focusing on how we fail to measure up (another woman is thinner, prettier, more intelligent, has a better sense of humour, attracts people, and on and on) is a common experience.
And we come away from the comparison feeling generally inadequate and unloving towards the other woman.
It is a spiritual truth that our love for and praise of others will improve our own self-image. It will rub off on us, so to speak.
Praise softens. Criticism hardens.
We can draw the love of others to us as we more willingly offer love and praise.”
I need to remember this. This blog will act as a reminder. Whoever wrote this book can explain it much better than i ever could (but never say never..) .
My only criticism is that if you’re a person who’s really nice about everyone all the time, you are, it seems (to me) a bit flaky. But then i guess you don’t have to be self-depricating, weak and sickly sweet to give praise to others, or to even think positively about someone. I feel like i’m naturally bitter and judgemental sometimes.. but it’s to justify my own reality/personality. Bitter-sweet symphony…
