Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream
The feeling of being grabbed around the shoulders by a tall, muscular man.
Kissing, biting each other on the lips, boiling over with passion.
Being pushed down to the ground, followed by his weight pressing on my body, his leg wedged in the middle of my two legs.
I’ve got to keep him by my side or he’ll walk out and never look back. But it felt right, so assured before. He saw my parents, was smiling with them. He rescued all of us in the end. Sorted the politics side, tied up loose ends. Gave us a strong arm that pulled us from the agonizing, almost vertical, final leg of our journey. That hill. But now we’ve arrived, the kids are all safe and sound. My family are here for my dad’s birthday. People are discussing the journey in awe and shock.
We went to his house, well i think it was a studio apartment, on the way. It was pure class. He had a cinema-sized Telly looming in front us as we entered the lounge slash living area and a grand piano sat in front of the screen, not high enough to obscure the TV, on a black stage. The three of us plonked ourselves on the huge, lush, rich-red coloured sofas facing the piano and the screen and I was told about the vibrating facility in the seat of the settee. I couldn’t locate it at first and just went along with the oohs and aahs of my companions. Then the young male, I couldn’t name his face, showed me I could get it to work if I sat on the gap between the cushions, which I did, and I felt good vibrations.
I also remember being on the tube, at an amusement park and disagreeing with my nephew. But the end bit was the most satisfying but also the most heartbreaking.
This is the stuff of my dreams. I don’t seem to be able to make it in real life, not often recently anyway. I have experienced the feeling in the past or I wouldn’t long for it and remember it the way I do.
I’m reading ‘The Worry Cure’ at the moment, and i fit almost every criterion of a worrier. There’s more to it than just simple worry or anxiousness. I need to be certain of everything. But certaintly is an impossibility in this life. I’m, in short, a control freak, but in controlling my life i leave no room for excitement, random events, lifechanging experiences. But we have to be responsible, reliable, thoughtful, to get on, to get and keep a job, keep friends. Balance, balance, balance, is what it’s all about, but if you think to hard about balancing things up your thoughts are turned to thinking and worry again.
I must change my ways and achieve my desires.
But perhaps the journey to what you desire is the most exciting part of all.
A bit of sex would go down well though.
What is MY reality? How is my WORLD?
Things have never got back to as simple as they were before i went to Uni. I used to be, yeah, perhaps a bit mainstream, a bit blinded, pressured to conform, not stand out. I’ve lost all those shackles now and i’m free to be me, have the confidence to defend my beliefs and my actions. But i’m lost. And i’m fearful often that my priorities are different to the people i live and work around so I worry and occasionally do get told off for not working, not being responsible and helpful enough, they’re all mothers, fathers, successful in their jobs and their grip on reality is located on a different part in varying strengths of grip.
Mine is gripped but there doesn’t seem to be anybody near me. My friends, from uni, academics, the people i guess are my new circle, are over there, things are more alien than anything there but i’ve gone through a process where i’ve learned, adapted, not that it all sits comfortably, it didn’t at all at first.
Over the other side are my family, the people from my home town, whose embrace i am held by now but i’ve moved on mentally. They don’t see that cos i have a job that does not use these powers, i’m wearing the disguise of my former self. But i’m angry and annoyed cos i’m not that person now. i’m no longer comforted by the perception of reality i had then.
There are good and bad points to both lives, and i think they mostly balance each other out. But now i am alone and no one is of the same species as me no matter how much i hold my hands out. They keep getting bitten if i’m honest and i keep having to snatch them in so i’m not hurt or taken advantage of. I’m a bit solitary but i’m still in control of my head and my instincts are sharp. i need to be needed. That’s what i’ve grown up to be, like the rest of my litter, but they can use their skills. Mine were rebuffed and unrequired in the new life. Now i have to summon them again so i can get on with my life.
You don’t need to be able to comprehend this. I can’t help but second guess your reactions which makes it hard for me to finish. so i won’t. just don’t tell me i’m wrong or i don’t think this way cus i feel that’s you being master or commander of MY mind which your not, no matter how insightful you believe yourself to be. I think i know what i have to do but Rome wasn’t built in a day. As time makes me older the words i say, the sounds i make may change but there’s a chip inside me that is unchangeable which is surrounded with layers and layers of onion skin that are me but i guess they can go brown and floppy with old age and death. But i try to keep as many of them as i can in their original state which is white and firm, that bit is me, y’see.
My current (buns)
Where did my life go?
Where is it going?
I’ve hit a bump in the road but it hasn’t rocked me
I’m just stuck
Inspiration has done a runner on all fronts
People I encounter aren’t admirable or awesome
Places are missing the life, the zing, the adventure they had
I don’t know where I’m heading so there’s no route to follow
Just day after isolated day
Earning money for things I don’t really want
Enough to be comfortable
So the boredom can perpetuate itself
Summer has passed us by in 2007
Forgotten
Beaching it up & warm, bronzed, sweet-smelling skin a missed memory
Why no sun?
I’m still chasing the past
Believing it’s hidden within his shell
But in moments of clarity I see that the feeling has evolved
To be reinvented as something new.
A concern for the 20 something (for some reason)
Why do i feel so empty and missing something,
When i’ve got so much, much to be grateful for?
Still it’s not enough.
Is it ever enough?
Is this it?
As good as it gets?
Is it worth the constant shuffle - in search of
What?
Possession? Love? Belonging?
I look at other people and envy what they’ve got
Wonder why i haven’t
How i’m different, what i do wrong.
They’ve got a relationship i’ve never achieved.
Is it because i don’t want it,
Don’t require it
Don’t need it
Have enough already?
But i want it.
I feel worthless compared to my friends who have it.
Directionless
And pointless.
In theory.
Not all the time. There are other things to measure worth.
I’m good, helpful, passionate, concerned, but that one special person doesn’t see it.
I don’t know who that person is,
Maybe they’re already here and i won’t notice
Until i see the grass isn’t greener.
I wish i could be content with what i’ve got.
I’m happy but i’m always searching for more.
But that might be what keeps me alive.
It’s disheartening and makes me bitterer by the day.
It concerns me more at the beginning of a morning,
Probably because i have a chance to make a change.
Friends have advice, reasoning, explainations,
There isn’t one answer but many,
I don’t know what my answer is.
I take my decisions from the advice of others,
Too much perhaps.
I’m a sponge.
But not a weak push-over sponge.
By the end of the day i no longer care,
I relax, it’s been a write off day, but a good one,
I’ve had fun, i’ve grown tired and dreams welcome me back to bed.
Obligations here, jobs to do there, “drive me home please”,
All day all day every day,
i suppose that’s life
I’m needing something that’s mine though,
To bring pleasure and purpose.
A building, a person, a place,
I’m not sure.
A sign or a path to show me which way,
But no such luck.
So it seems it’s all down to me.
Damn.
How come life appears to happen to others and i have to make life work for me?
People will tell me that’s not true.
But then that means i’m wrong, not right,
Me
A bad egg,
Worse
An unattractive egg,
For pounding purposes only.
Don’t think i think little of myself.
I’ve been told that by older, wiser people all my life
And it makes it worse, perpetuates the feeling,
It’s bollocks.
I like me,
It’s other people that aren’t that amazed.
It could be argued that i shouldn’t need all this acceptance,
Desire from other people,
Blame my programming.
Where did all the good times go?
things seem quiet at the moment. The internet’s quiet, friends are quiet, life’s quiet, well not quiet quiet, i mean i’ve been on holiday and have seen family and friends but i still feel lonely. I’m not desperately lonely - not much to complain about. Lots of beings seemed to die last week, my hamster being one of them. It’s strange not to hear him nibbling at the end of my bed in the secret hours of the morning. Work seems to define my waking hours at the moment. I work, then i spend time doing what i like and choose to do, then i eat, then i sleep, then i work again. I don’t know who or where some of my friends are at the moment. And i don’t where i’m heading next. There are no plans or needs to move home anytime soon for me. And i feel i’d better stick at this job for at least a year, even though i’d like to train to be a teacher. I haven’t seen anyone at all today. I woke up late and everyone was out, i don’t know where and i haven’t bothered to find out. I’m stagnant. Or something is. There’s a lack of love in Brighton at the moment. I’m rotting here, but it’s not right there. I’m not having a pop at anyone, just expressing my unease. I don’t know where to go to feel easy, happy and to get some sex.
Stop your moaning, woman!
Does all this technology we have these days improve our lives or just make it more problematic? When a computer, TV, car or any appliance fecks up there’s no one to pass the blame to but ourselves and our stupidity to rely on such unreliable, irresponsible, souless pieces of equipment. For instance, i was just pouring my heart out writing a blog, and the page decides it wants to close down, so it’s gone. Now usually this site saves my drafts as i go, but this one time i needed it to, it didn’t. Now i feel hurt, frustrated like it was a waste of time. It might have provided a cathartic purpose, but still, I don’t think it’s very good for my health and mental well being, being mucked about like this, but perhaps i shouldn’t be so sensitive and easily disgruntled. But my sensitivity makes up a lot of my good qualities too. Admittedly, being morning, i’m going to be more irritable than at other times of the day. Life is one long slog to avoid being depressed again.. it seems sometimes. I feel like such a contradiction in myself all the time. On the one hand i’m a caring, peace-loving, conflict-avoiding, open-minded, relaxed person and on the other i am a hysterical, bitter, screaming and kicking whinge bag. But i think i know a lot of people who have felt like they’re a dichotomy. I guess it’s just life that causes these personality splits though, like one minute you’re up, the next you’re down. I just feel like i’m constantly striving to be this good person, and feel guilty when i feel low or even a bit indifferent. And i get bitter when i meet people who do nothing to strive to be a better person. Y’know, people who don’t make an effort with their friends/family, who do nothing to help the world or other people, who don’t put themselves out on a limb – selfish people. And i get bitter because it seems these people who put no effort in get the same, if not more, out of life than i do. The reason i’m in this mood this morning is partly because of my prattish little brother. I got woken up at 11 by him saying my parents are going to be back soon (they’ve been away for a few days, leaving us witht he empty house). ok, quite late to be in bed, but i made the most out the last free night and have to work this evening so i thought i deserved it. so i got up, straight downstairs and began vacuuming the lounge and kitchen. during that time my bro just sat playing snake on his phone rather than help start the pile of washing up (because it wasn’t his mess). Well excuuuuse, me master! i’ve done the washing all week, washed up 3 times , including your stuff, made up and kept the fire alight all week. Why are some people soooo unhelpful and un-conscientious? I’d happily help anyone anytime. I mean a bit of physical activity doesn’t hurt and i’m very generous with my time. But others are so lazy and un self-sacrificing. Why the FECK should i be if i never get any of it back? I know i shouldn’t do things for people just because i expect something back, but it does get bloody disheartening. Of course, my example has the age-old sibling arguement/rivalry thing going on, but it applies to other relationships too. What is it in my personality that makes me so discontented? In fact i think it’s my situation that makes me the way i am. From the small things like still living at home and not being sure if i’ll be any happier living away, to the bigger questions in life, like why are we here and what should i be doing to make the most of my time. I’ve always been a moaner. A boy from my class wrote in my school leaving book to ”Be happy and stop MOANING!” I’ve just got this jealous, comparing streak. But should i eliminate it or just accept it as part of me? I’m at my best when i get an early start, get out and about and get some perspective on life. It’s like everyday i’ve been born again and have to remember to cope with my thoughts and emotions, but with less strength than i had the night before. Enough of this. Time to go out and get some perspective..
