What is MY reality? How is my WORLD?
Things have never got back to as simple as they were before i went to Uni. I used to be, yeah, perhaps a bit mainstream, a bit blinded, pressured to conform, not stand out. I’ve lost all those shackles now and i’m free to be me, have the confidence to defend my beliefs and my actions. But i’m lost. And i’m fearful often that my priorities are different to the people i live and work around so I worry and occasionally do get told off for not working, not being responsible and helpful enough, they’re all mothers, fathers, successful in their jobs and their grip on reality is located on a different part in varying strengths of grip.
Mine is gripped but there doesn’t seem to be anybody near me. My friends, from uni, academics, the people i guess are my new circle, are over there, things are more alien than anything there but i’ve gone through a process where i’ve learned, adapted, not that it all sits comfortably, it didn’t at all at first.
Over the other side are my family, the people from my home town, whose embrace i am held by now but i’ve moved on mentally. They don’t see that cos i have a job that does not use these powers, i’m wearing the disguise of my former self. But i’m angry and annoyed cos i’m not that person now. i’m no longer comforted by the perception of reality i had then.
There are good and bad points to both lives, and i think they mostly balance each other out. But now i am alone and no one is of the same species as me no matter how much i hold my hands out. They keep getting bitten if i’m honest and i keep having to snatch them in so i’m not hurt or taken advantage of. I’m a bit solitary but i’m still in control of my head and my instincts are sharp. i need to be needed. That’s what i’ve grown up to be, like the rest of my litter, but they can use their skills. Mine were rebuffed and unrequired in the new life. Now i have to summon them again so i can get on with my life.
You don’t need to be able to comprehend this. I can’t help but second guess your reactions which makes it hard for me to finish. so i won’t. just don’t tell me i’m wrong or i don’t think this way cus i feel that’s you being master or commander of MY mind which your not, no matter how insightful you believe yourself to be. I think i know what i have to do but Rome wasn’t built in a day. As time makes me older the words i say, the sounds i make may change but there’s a chip inside me that is unchangeable which is surrounded with layers and layers of onion skin that are me but i guess they can go brown and floppy with old age and death. But i try to keep as many of them as i can in their original state which is white and firm, that bit is me, y’see.
A concern for the 20 something (for some reason)
Why do i feel so empty and missing something,
When i’ve got so much, much to be grateful for?
Still it’s not enough.
Is it ever enough?
Is this it?
As good as it gets?
Is it worth the constant shuffle - in search of
What?
Possession? Love? Belonging?
I look at other people and envy what they’ve got
Wonder why i haven’t
How i’m different, what i do wrong.
They’ve got a relationship i’ve never achieved.
Is it because i don’t want it,
Don’t require it
Don’t need it
Have enough already?
But i want it.
I feel worthless compared to my friends who have it.
Directionless
And pointless.
In theory.
Not all the time. There are other things to measure worth.
I’m good, helpful, passionate, concerned, but that one special person doesn’t see it.
I don’t know who that person is,
Maybe they’re already here and i won’t notice
Until i see the grass isn’t greener.
I wish i could be content with what i’ve got.
I’m happy but i’m always searching for more.
But that might be what keeps me alive.
It’s disheartening and makes me bitterer by the day.
It concerns me more at the beginning of a morning,
Probably because i have a chance to make a change.
Friends have advice, reasoning, explainations,
There isn’t one answer but many,
I don’t know what my answer is.
I take my decisions from the advice of others,
Too much perhaps.
I’m a sponge.
But not a weak push-over sponge.
By the end of the day i no longer care,
I relax, it’s been a write off day, but a good one,
I’ve had fun, i’ve grown tired and dreams welcome me back to bed.
Obligations here, jobs to do there, “drive me home please”,
All day all day every day,
i suppose that’s life
I’m needing something that’s mine though,
To bring pleasure and purpose.
A building, a person, a place,
I’m not sure.
A sign or a path to show me which way,
But no such luck.
So it seems it’s all down to me.
Damn.
How come life appears to happen to others and i have to make life work for me?
People will tell me that’s not true.
But then that means i’m wrong, not right,
Me
A bad egg,
Worse
An unattractive egg,
For pounding purposes only.
Don’t think i think little of myself.
I’ve been told that by older, wiser people all my life
And it makes it worse, perpetuates the feeling,
It’s bollocks.
I like me,
It’s other people that aren’t that amazed.
It could be argued that i shouldn’t need all this acceptance,
Desire from other people,
Blame my programming.
Where did all the good times go?
things seem quiet at the moment. The internet’s quiet, friends are quiet, life’s quiet, well not quiet quiet, i mean i’ve been on holiday and have seen family and friends but i still feel lonely. I’m not desperately lonely - not much to complain about. Lots of beings seemed to die last week, my hamster being one of them. It’s strange not to hear him nibbling at the end of my bed in the secret hours of the morning. Work seems to define my waking hours at the moment. I work, then i spend time doing what i like and choose to do, then i eat, then i sleep, then i work again. I don’t know who or where some of my friends are at the moment. And i don’t where i’m heading next. There are no plans or needs to move home anytime soon for me. And i feel i’d better stick at this job for at least a year, even though i’d like to train to be a teacher. I haven’t seen anyone at all today. I woke up late and everyone was out, i don’t know where and i haven’t bothered to find out. I’m stagnant. Or something is. There’s a lack of love in Brighton at the moment. I’m rotting here, but it’s not right there. I’m not having a pop at anyone, just expressing my unease. I don’t know where to go to feel easy, happy and to get some sex.
Grey March morn
G’day, i just awoke and we’re having contrasting weather to yesterday’s bright, warming offerings. How uninspiring this weather is. It’s put me on a low. I have a day off today which means i have full-power and reign over what i do.. Sussex is my oyster.. but my mum wants me to drive her to the shops later so we can buy some cat food so that limits my time somewhat, but i know, i think i’ll visit Lewes library (they sent me a free voucher for a DVD/CD rental because i hadn’t used my card for a while – brilliant! – definitely an encouragement!)
So.. what to do with the rest of my life? I’ve been feeling like i’d be happy to move out of home again the last couple of weeks. Living back with the mum and dad has many advantages, and I’m not knocking them at all, but there’s a pull, some pressure (perhaps from society) coming from within me to want to get the hell outta here and control my own life elsewhere. But where to start?
Even though i’ve got a couple of part time jobs, the money still isn’t amazing so i’d have to live on a shoestring (again!) so i can pay rent and council tax. I don’t wanna become one of these 20something try-hards who think that it will all balance out in the end cos it prolly won’t (there are always temptations for money-spending and i reckon there are more people in serious debt out there than we imagine) and it’d take a hell of a lot of grafting, which i, to be honest, can’t be bothered with. Don’t get me wrong, i like to work, but i’ll never let my work become my life, social and personal time to chill and to grow is way more important.
Then, where to live and who with? My best mate has got a cushy situation at home with her parents and shows no desire to move soon (for which i don’t entirely blame her-i don’t think we’ve ever had it soo good!) I’m not sure if i’d want to live in the city again, so either a town or village would be goood. Oh gawd, i dunno. i feel like i actually want to make a 100 mile shift completely to the left and go and live in a yurt and live off the land, but i’m not sure if this is a fantasy or a possible reality.
It doesn’t help that i don’t want to do any of this alone. I’m not frightened of being alone (like some people might think cos of confidence issues or whatever) i would just see it as a quite sad and lonely, when i’ve spent years nurturing friendships, to do it alone. I guess i am quite untrusting/wary of strangers and it takes me a while to settle in with someone. And i think it’d be simply more fun to do it with someone else. i don’t know what ‘it’ is but it’s something in the future. I’m happy to be alone. In fact i do feel quite isolated in everyday life. I drive solo most of the time, for work and pleasure trips, i work nights alone much of the time and at home it’s mostly just the ‘olds’ who are ok, but slow and out of touch. I get fed up with being by myself anyway cos i’m such boring company. I know exactly what i’m going to say next!
Anyway, i wish i had a dice i could roll with life decisions on it, then i wouldn’t have to make choices and take action myself. I’m happy to make choices for others i think but not myself. I don’t like living this single, twenty something’s life – all the decisions are selfish ones and i don’t want to be responsible for that! First task is to get my bank balance up to zero anyway. Then go to Scotland with best mate at the end of April – they say a rest’s as good as a change (and so will be the sexy accents of the rugged men up there!). Then will come the festivals of summertime and then the money will be gone again!!
I’m feeling my energy levels rising now, but i need some brekkie to sustain them. maybe a full English?? A hot egg perhaps? Then a shower, then to Lewes. Oh, the excitement…!
Blog no. 1 – on being green and the point.
Well hello. I’ve had a rubbish day today so far. Not in the grand scale of things was it rubbish. No one died, no one’s ill. I pressed my snooze button for over an hour before getting up at half eleven just cos i didn’t have a reason in particular to get up. Then once up i still didn’t see any reason to be up, ’though my gorgeous 8 month old nephew was about so he brought me some happiness. Then i cooked a curry that made me feel sick which was disappointing. And investigated a leak in our bathroom which remains unsolved. Also had a discussion with my dad about life and what’s the point cos it’s all so disappointing and ended up feeling misunderstood and annoying.
I’m not sure i even want to be writing this because it’s not very inspiring or enlightening, but i suppose this is meant to be a form of diary keeping so i won’t go back and delete any. I’ll just continue expressing myself in this fashion no matter how boring it is. I will feel better in about an hour after i’ve been for a walk through the woods in the English wind and spittle rain. My thoughts will be clearer and more sensical once my brain’s been aired. Basically I’m bored. I should be at work or something. I would be if it wasn’t my day off.
The green bit in the title is me deciding whether or not to join the green party. I want to but you have to pay. Why is that? Administative charges or summit?
Off to brave the English weather…
